Last night, I went to a costume party dressed as a knife.
Thought I looked sharp to say the least.

I said to a fellow actor. "Thanks for telling me you are not supposed to say the word 'Macbeth'."
He said. "Don't mention it."

I bought a cod fillet, and found a strangely-shaped bone in it.
It did look out of plaice.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Every town I go to has at least one rubbish bin, it's about time they replace them with good ones.

It wasn't too hard getting the White stringy bit of the orange from between my teeth.
In fact it was a piece of pith.

According to a report, women speak in a higher voice when talking to men they fancy.
I'v never heard that.

Listen to the pen...It has a point.

I saw a sign today when I was driving, it said "Falling Rocks". I thought , it won't rock so much if it was you going off the cliff edge "Mister Council Man".

What do you call a vicar on a motorbike?
Rev

A storm has ripped through my coconut farm...
I'm desiccated.

I just saw some guys in white robes and hoods hanging B.A. Baracus.
I love it when a klan comes together.

I always ask too many questions.
Does anybody know why this is?

An ex-Gladiator just came up to me and asked: "Do you know, that when it's a full moon, certain peoples skin becomes covered with fur?"
I replied: "Yes, I'm aware Wolf".

Just saw this sign in a camping shop window,
This is the discount of our winter tent.

I was driving down the road when I ran over some hummus.
A little further on, I hit taramasalata.
Then I saw a road sign:
'Caution - dips in road'

I wonder what the word for 'dot' looks like in braille

I'm currently reading a book about North African invaders during Medieval times and can't put it down. Its very moorish.

I just got fired from my job, where i disposed of dangerous materials from building sites.
I don't know why though? I done Asbestos i could!

I found the perfect way to get out of a speeding ticket.
Confess to a murder.

Was at my local herb and spice shop when the shop keeper asked if he could help.
I just said "na just browsing."
He said "take as much time as you want"
So I nicked the whole lot.

The hotel I stayed in last night had loads of disturbed people walking around.
Probably because I removed the Do Not Disturb signs.

Too cut a long story short...
...You need some scissors.

I text my mate the other day asking him who his favourite composer is.
Surprisingly, he didn't text Bach.

I've lost the plot,
I keep ripping out pages from my novel.