My wife hit the headlines recently.
She crashed into a newspaper billboard.

I named my son Matt Damon.
He's my first Bourne.

I worked for a team of robbers in a bank heist. I was only allowed to be the getaway driver.
Oh well, it's the taking part that counts

I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage.
A sign read: "Bread in captivity."

I've recently been diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy...
I'm here all weak.

My daughter is being obsessively stalked by an engineer who works on rail and water bridges.
Why cantilever alone?

I woke up this morning and a had a special type of socket wrench in my hand and I was surrounded by nuts and bolts.
I had been torquing in my sleep.

New Pirates of the Carribean movie out soon.
Rated Arrgh

I saw a real cute blond girl in a bar, so i went up to her and asked her what her name was,
She said to me " Chantel"
I said, "Oh go on"

The inventor of the king size bed must be rolling in it.

My girlfriend has been depressed, recently she has started to stick wheat and corn all over one side of her body and little pigs and sheep on the other.
I think she is selffarming.

I went to the pub earlier. They had a new real ale on called Whitbread. I ordered a pint of it and went to the toilet. When I came back and tasted it, it was repulsive. I said to the barman, "this is rank mate, what's wrong with it?" he replied, "that big black woman farted in it!" As you can imagine I wasn't impressed. I went up to the woman and said "Oi! you fart in my Whitbread?" She looked at me and said, "No. I'm Tessa Sanderson."

Earlier, I ate a load of photons
It was a light lunch

If Concorde travelled at twice the speed of sound, how did they speak to air-traffic control?

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

Just started a soft rock band
We're called "Limestone"

A bloke said to me, "Aren't you that bloke that answers every question with a question?"
I said, "Who wants to know?"

Vids aren't the best way to advertise animated movies.
Pixar

I heard a rumour that a man in town is selling a fake bedside-clock.
It's a false alarm.

the main reason I went out with a bee keeper
is because they say beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

I always pull fat women and they all seem to say the same thing.
"Stop pulling me"

We were driving along when my wife says, "Look antelope falling from the sky."
"Don't be stupid it's rain dear."

I broke an upholsterers fingers last week.
I don't think he'll ever recover.

My mate recently bought a really expensive monocle.
It's quite a spectacle.

My Aunt said to me: "Your cousin is only a year old and he's been walking for 6 months."
I thought: "Really? He must be very tired."