My wife always gets the wrong end of the stick.
So now i just use a spade.

Goodbye to the 100-Watt bulb.
You lit up everyone's lives.

I recently heard the news about the boy who was locked in the cupboard for his life.
Nice to know that he finally came out the closet.

I'm seeing a girl at the moment.
She's been in the dining room for 10 minutes, and she's just walking in to the kitchen now.

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meet Pattie.

I have a crush on my local green grocer
She has a great pear.
I might ask her for a date.

I was crowned national limbo champion last night.
I hit a new low.

I had a look at a new ribcage yesterday, but decided against it.
My heart just wasn't in it.

I had to go to hospital after tripping over a box of Kleenex once.
It was ok though, it turned out to be just a soft tissue injury

I saw a notice in the local paper which read: "Accelerated Learning in Nursery Teaching"
I couldn't help thinking that they could have just called it a Crche Course.

I've got a bet on with my mate about the number of Indian people who are taking the 10.15 from Bangalore to Mumbai.
There's a lot riding on it.

My wife said, "I want Champagne, no wait I actually want Rose. Forget that I'll have Chardonnay."
I said, "Stop wining."

My young daughter came home complaining her scalp was itching and on closer inspection, there were written words all over her head. Something like ..
'My first is in file but not in vile' ..
'My second in life, but not in wife' ..
'My third is in fell, but not in fall' .. and so on ..
I just gave up looking because she was clearly riddled.

what is a frog doing jumping off a bridge?
kermitting suicide

Last week I met this old Russian dude who was a spy in the Cold War. Now we're inseparable! He's totally my KGBFF.

I really don't like annoying people.
Except for my wife, I could annoy her all day long.

You know what really brightens up my day?
The sun.

I tried to invent a new type of container which would rival the bucket.
It turned out to be a pail imitation

Had an argument over shared office stationery, bloke snapped my ruler.
I don't believe in half measures so I gave him a whole punch.

What do you call a chinese woman on fire?
Mel Ting

What do you call a chinese woman on fire?
Mel Ting

My face fell as I held my winning scratchcard.
Stroke of luck, that.

Just picked out my fiance's wedding ring.
I have no idea how it got up my nose in the first place.

What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution

Saw this new headline yesterday
'PC battered to death' ...
Some people really hate the database latency too high page.