My mate thinks his new private jet looks great.
I think it's a little plane

I was in Tesco's earlier, and I met a really stunning blonde lady. She had a great figure with curves in all the right places, so I invited her back to mine to look at my stamp collection.
"Philately will get you nowhere", she said.

What do you call a fluorescent Mexican?
A dayglo.

I went to a barbecue at Matthew Corbett's house yesterday.
We had a Sweep steak.

In Tottenham, the flaming bus was late again!

In a strange car accident yesterday I killed several Native American Indians,
I lost control of my car on the A1 and ploughed straight through the central reservation...

I nailed the fat chick next door last night. No-one needs to know about it though.
So long as I hide the hammer.

Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work.

Last week, I visited far east Asia and got caught in a terrible tornado.
It was a Vietnamese Whirl.

My wife thought she knew an abuse joke that I hadn't heard before...but I beat her to the punchline.

Steel Manufacturers -
At the cutting edge of knife crime.

BREAKING NEWS ......
Liverpool FC will be taken over on Monday by South African businessman Dave King and Glasgow restauranteur Satti Singh. They will then be known as the Singh King ship.

China's heaviest man, conveniently named Chin Tu Phat.

"Facebook linked to rise in syphilis"
What next? "Sickipedia linked to rise in Bad Jokes"
Lets not make any rash calls here.

The drug dealer on my street is a terrible housekeeper.
His place is a meth.

I know a guy who walks around dressed in a brown rubber suit.
He's a real live wire

I like making geographical puns, but I'd never make a Korea out of it though.

Me and my mate are going to drive across the southern states of America, just to see how long it Texas.

We spoilt our son last night by arranging 19 bouncy castles of every shape and size for what was a perfect birthday party.
Boy, is today just going to be a huge let down.

Hmm... Revising...
There's quite a bit to learn in Biology...
But that's life, I guess...

I've just brought a new Bachelors pad....
It's full of Cuppa Soup.

I lost my dictionary today.
Life has no meaning anymore.

TalkSport - The Sun for people who can't read.

So sick of that advert for Gillette shaving cream. Yeah, you're the best, we get it.
No need to rub it in everyone's face.

I've been using fossil fuels a lot recently.
But I think the natural history museum is on to me