Just got sacked from my job today.
I didn't realise that they actually packed fudge in boxes.
Did you hear about the football coach that got gunned down last night on the south London playing fields?
That's the last time he keeps them back for shooting practice.
I sent my pet turkey to Bernard Matthews to learn some manners.
Hes now a reformed character.
Tell you something strange.
I was in my bathroom earlier and I heard weird noises coming from the sink... it was bizarre.
Then, I walked to the apartment window and noticed a man dressed in an all black suit with black shades, suspiciously walking around outside in the car park.
Beginning to think that someone might be phoning my taps...
There was a man wearing a rosette walking round the town centre today with a big sign saying
"Now is the time for change".
He looked like a right cheeky beggar.
When working in a team Im like an anorexic paedophile.
I always try to pull my weight.
What do dentist's call x-rays?
I was in the boxing ring and I was doing very bad. The referee came up to me and said, "Are you ready for your next match?"
I replied, "Just a bout."
I constantly make dreadful clothes for monks.
It's a bad habit.
I flipped a coin and it managed to land perfectly on the edge...
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
My grandad got kicked out of his bowls club
He said plates are better
Yesterday I was drawing round criminals to make cardboard cutouts for my ad campaign, when I stood up to think for a second. I was interrupted by someone shouting: "Oi! What are you doing?"
"Contemplating." I replied.
As punishment for my recent puns, the wife made me make dessert; I mixed a combination of tomato paste and icing sugar, ladled it onto a pastry base and served it.
"This must have been a lot of effort" She responded drily when served her slice.
"On the contrary; it was a pizza cake" I responded.
Working at a bakery, I tend to make a lot of breadful buns.
I love dunking biscuits in my tea.
I don't even care if anyone at the dinner table thinks custard creams and curry don't go well together.
Did you hear about the stuntman that couldn't hear? He performed deaf defying stunts.
I used to be addicted to soap but I'm clean now.
The girlfriend asked me if I liked her little "surprise".
While I was asleep she covered me in a combination of hardwood, parquet, carpet and ceramic tiles.
"Liked" doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. She completely floored me.
Everyday, at 7.00AM, a man walks about the street wearing a Kippah.
My wife asked me, "Who is that?"
I replied, "That's just the morning Jew."
I went to a seminar, where the main speaker was this dairy farmer, who just went on and on about all the different things he did with his milk ...
I wouldn't have missed my train if he had just condensed it a bit.
I had an ice pick once
But it melted before I even finished my solo
The wife gave birth early to a lump of Cheddar last night.
It was pre mature.
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.
The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had not a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.
As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all, hawk, lion and stinker
My friend tried to finger his girlfriend in her pee-hole and got dumped the very next day.
When I tried it with my girlfriend, she found it very stimulating and pleasing.
So I guess urethra got it or you haven't.
People keep asking why the top floor of my house overhangs the bottom. Don't bother, it's a long storey.