I've been trying to trace my wifes new dress that I ordered online for her last week.
I've already used seven pencils and that's just only a half of it done.

Mirror inspecting is a job I can really see myself doing.

What's a Hindu?
Lays eggs.

I just got my photos developed, and found a whole loads of pictures were taken of someone's abdomen, just between the hips and ribcage.
I thought, "that's a waist".

What's Relaxed, Porcelain, and cancerous?
A mellow gnomea

I asked my doctor if he thinks I'm over my obsession with Tipperary.
He said "there's still a long way to go"

I've never tipped a cow... then again ones never served me

I suppose when you've seen one lion catch an antelope, you've seen a maul.

I work at the top secret Headquarters for Jokes.
The Pun-tagon.

Grimsby's zoo are bragging they have the best looking chameleon in the world.
I can't see it myself.

Me & my mates had a game of "No Surrender" before.
I won hands down.

Whenever i'm feeling a little down...
The neighbour asks if they can have their disabled midget back.

A word of advice, never accept a cup of Joe from a cannibal

Been looking around town to get a spiderman costume.
No luck so gonna try the web.

I met my girlfriend on Runescape.
She was very into role play.

I was at a pub where a man was telling really bad limericks, so some guy got up and smacked him. It was poetic justice.

I'm supporting my local vegetarian store.
So I bought a stake in it.

I was up in court the other for punching a dugong. The judge said it was a crime against a manatee

I just saw a falconer in an electric wheelchair.
Must have been Stephen Hawking.

What is up with erectile dysfunction?

I love putting hyenas in old beer kegs.
It's a barrel of laughs.

There's too many fat birds where I live...
I'm moving to Finland!

I recommended to Peter Pan that we go to America by plane.
But no, he still believes in ferries.

I'm getting worried, I've spent all week watching detective fiction on television while setting fire to things.
I think I'm a poiromaniac.

Heard that a man has been jailed for 36 years for a jigsaw murder.
Puzzling...