Puns Joke

People at risk may soon get earthquake warning alerts.
Scientists say the new technology is groundbreaking.

Puns Joke

"Roberto, what if a Chelsea player misses a penalty?"
"It Juan Mata, we will win anyway."

Puns Joke

I killed two Yorkshire terriers today. Fighting the war on terrierism.

Puns Joke

There was an archeologist who made no bones about digging dirt up on people.

Puns Joke

I was going to have some mates round the flat later, so I figured I'd cook a meal. I found a dish that looked promising:
In a pan, heat 1 cup of D until boiling, reduce heat and let simmer. After 5 minutes add 1 Tsp of I and cover for 15 minutes.
In a separate bowl add 1/2 cup of S and 1/2 cup of A, mixing until smooth, adding and additional 1/4 cup of S 2 minutes into mixing.
To the simmering pan add 1 Tsp of T and E...
I stopped reading. "Perhaps I should order take-away" I thought, "This sounds like a recipe for disaster."

Puns Joke

One of my reindeer is very unwell.
I'm relieved that scientists say they may have found a cure for Prancer.

Puns Joke

I got into a fight with an Irish pub landlord last night.
My girlfriend dumped me for throwing a paddy.

Puns Joke

I slept like a dog last night.
Rough.

Puns Joke

After my daughter was caught shoplifting, I put her on the straight and narrow.
She's getting pretty good at tightrope walking now.

Puns Joke

I really cant be a professional pallbearer any longer.
The jobs been getting on top of me.

Puns Joke

I've recently taken up rolling my own cigarettes, has anyone got any tips?

Puns Joke

Four-time Olympic skiing gold medallist Matti Nykanen has been arrested on suspicion of attempting to murder his wife. Looks like their marriage has gone downhill.

Puns Joke

Two things fascinate me - the middle east and animal slaughter.
I've just booked a week in Saudi Arabia to kill two birds with one stone.

Puns Joke

I used to work in a hairdresser's just to get the tips.
But i never used to get my cut

Puns Joke

I always fall for trap doors.

Puns Joke

I needed a new computer part but the only place that stocked it was on the other side of the country, so I had to go 300 miles in my Dodge RAM.
It was a hard drive.

Puns Joke

I'm going on a rampage at the deed poll office tomorrow.
I'll definitely be making a name for myself!

Puns Joke

At the moment, I'm working at the clock disposal...
But to be honest, it's a waste of time.

Puns Joke

A group of scientists have predicted that a tropical storm is about to strike Israel.
They have decided to call it "Cyclon B".

Puns Joke

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore

Puns Joke

This new film Contagion comes out soon.
I have to say, it's looking pretty sick.

Puns Joke

I was going to be a pilot, but my career never really took off.

Puns Joke

Just got overtaken by a McVities lorry...
That takes the biscuit.

Puns Joke

My license got suspended.
That's the last time I leave it in a bowl of heterogeneous fluid.

Puns Joke

I support local builders.
I guess many would say that becoming a human ladder was an unusual career choice.