It would be just like me to clone myself.

Why is there no mouse flavoured cat food?

i rolled up a carpet and smoked it.
I'm on the hard rugs

I bite my nails, and it's really starting to hurt my teeth.
I should probably take my shoes off really.

For sale: Braille dictionary, Must see to appreciate.

Are Rock Cakes Stone Baked?.

I will not take my wife's insults on me being lazy lying down.

If I had a pound everytime I went to the toilet in a train station, I'd need change.

My mate reckons I never pick up on his use of hyperbole.
Well that's an understatement.

I just found out my local brothel is doing a new promotion!
So if you want to come along, Feel Free!

Quadriplegics - you gotta hand it to them...

The closest thing my wife gets to another man is Russell Hobbs.

Having rhythm is important, I had that drummed into me from an early age.

My phones been on the blink a lot recently. Must be an eye phone.

A business deal is only a good deal when you can convince the taxman it was no deal.

Having no opinion is not enough; you also have to be incapable of expressing it.

If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

I watched a debate on youtube through broken headphones.
It was very one sided.

As my calling card, I like to leave the toilet seat up in the disabled toilets.

Isn't it ironic that fat people wear joggers?

Cataracts - You don't see them anymore

Walt Disney didn't die,he's in suspended animation.

Cubicles with signs on them are way out of order.

Went to the doctors today, he said i think you might have John McEnroe syndrome
i said..YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS !

If Darren Bent is worth 24 million...
...how much is Sandra Redknapp worth??