My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them.

All in all... it was a good orgy.

If quizzes are quizzical, what does that make tests?

I got so excited in French lessons that sometimes "oui" would come out

I always get interrupted whenever I'm playing the Air Harp in public by people asking why I've summoned them over.

You're as pointless as the second window at McDonald's.

When people ask me what my best qualities are, I always tell them my second best quality is being mysterious.

Universal truth: Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

If you really loved me you wouldn't accuse me of emotional blackmail

A black guy came up to me at work earlier and said my coat was off the hook.
I felt rather trendy till I realised it had just fallen on the floor.

How do you repair a damaged Toll Booth?
Toll Gate Booth Paste.

Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Did they ever find out who really let the dogs out?

'Drunk, I'm home from the honey, I'm not pub.'

My motto is: If you can't beat them, what's the point in becoming a teacher?

I take my hat off to insecure bald men.

The best advice on contraception a mother can give her daughter is simply to use her head.

My football team is sponsored by Apple. So now there is an 'I' in team.

When I heard that 160 Indians had died in a crash I was surprised it was an aeroplane and not a Nissan Almera

Wheelchair users and benefit cheats run in my family.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

The key to being funny is to say smart things stupidly... or was is it stupid things smartly? Whatever, it's not rocket surgery.

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?" I said, "America."

My wife is leaving me because my stories never make any sense.
And that's how I saved Christmas