Heather Mills is a giant fingernail; and the world is her blackboard.

I was doing the dishes the other day. Such a lovely couple.

Me and my friend used to spend all our time together in a treehouse but then we fell out.

Butlin's: where the poor have their annual wash

Get celebrity sportsmen into trouble by betting on them in an 'irregular pattern'.

Worrying works!
99% of the things I worry about never happen

I'm not really sure how I feel about ambivalence.

How many people are going to claim to have invented Windows 7 ?

Slinkys - about as much use as a fart in a sieve...and that's saying something.

Sometimes I agree with those people who tell me it's time to grow up. Other times I hide in my pillow-fort where the big stinky doo-dooheads can't get me.

My daughter asked me why mummy is so pale. I told her to shut up and keep digging.

I'm thinking of taking my girlfriend out tonight........one bullet should do the job

Liam Hilton: Glasgow's tribute act to Liverpool's most electric one hit wonder.

A new Indian version of Fawlty Towers is being released starring Fazul Balti.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Am I the only one that see's the phrase "shatter-proof" written on stationary and thinks "we'll see about that..."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame has retired.
He recieved two years back pay , a lump sum, and a case of Bells

I got absolutely hammered and spent 2 hours flying a helicopter last night! ....... then I ran out of 50p's

Astronomy is looking up!

I rate myself 9.84520137453850162 out of 10 for precision.

Yes I do specialise maths, ladies please form a y=mx+c.

My phone only works in churches...
I'm on a pray as you go tariff

Did you ever skip the line for the dole just so you're not late for work?

Do you think the sickipedia server should apply to be on the weakest link?

My friend asked me how to spell immature the other day, I replied : 'POO.'