One Liners Joke

I sometimes call my local Indian takeaway just for a chat.

One Liners Joke

I love pillows. They are fluffy, soft, and can be used to suffocate you.

One Liners Joke

As I was driving down a dark country lane last night, I thought "its a good job that guy invented cats-eyes otherwise that cat wouldn't have seen me"

One Liners Joke

Look, at the end of the day , i go to bed

One Liners Joke

I wasn't a very good Hairdresser.
I didn't read the Perms and Conditions.

One Liners Joke

My Mate has got a Book on Palindromes.
I don't know whether to Borrow or Rob.

One Liners Joke

What's black and furry and looks like half a cat?
The other half.

One Liners Joke

Roman Polanski & Pope Benedict XVI set to co-star in "Grumpy Old Rapists."

One Liners Joke

I've been married for 20 years, and it's been the happiest time of my life. I'm just dreading the day my wife comes out of her coma.

One Liners Joke

Canine intelligence is routinely overrated. I consistently beat my Wire Fox Terrier at chess 4 out 5 games.

One Liners Joke

My wife was ill but she's on the mend now .... darning my socks

One Liners Joke

Why join a gym if you have Photoshop?

One Liners Joke

I'd sell my sole to get started in second hand shoe trading.

One Liners Joke

Food fetishists are coming for dinner tonight.

One Liners Joke

I like my women like I like my washing machines.
Can take a huge load and wash my clothes.

One Liners Joke

A bloke stopped me in the street today and said "Whats the best way to Oldham".
I Put him in a Headlock.

One Liners Joke

A new Ice Cream Shop has opened in Palestine.
Walls of Jericho.

One Liners Joke

I might kill myself in the most horrific way, just to have my 500 jokes of fame on Sickipedia!

One Liners Joke

I like to go up to people playing Solitaire at work and ask, "Who's winning?"

One Liners Joke

She was married in her grandmother's wedding dress. She looked lovely, but her grandmother looked cold.

One Liners Joke

If you sit on your cornflakes for 10 minutes, it feels like someone else is eating your breakfast.
Probably.

One Liners Joke

I'm very happy with our divorce settlement.
We sold the kids and I got custody of the stereo.

One Liners Joke

I got turned down for a place in the local rifle club as they said I wasn't the right calibre.

One Liners Joke

My internet history knows me too well.

One Liners Joke

I've just bought a car that won't go in a straight line.
Drives me round the bend.