I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

I was recently the subject of a joke. I chickened out of a fight, and crossed the road to get away.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Grab your taco, you've pulled a dyslexic Mexican.

Sickipedia one liners.
Because we shouldn't have to think up our own Facebook statuses.

Why are some of the jokes on here so bad timing?

My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.

On a scale of Jordan to Jewish, how tight are you?

Does Africa have a Lynx 'England' that smells of cigarettes and disappointment?

Twice: So good they named it twice.

My New Year's resolution is to stop leaving things so late.

Maths problems, the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.

Normally my dog eats my trainers but I didn't know whales done it too!

If anyone is thinking about buying an auto-biography, I don't want to ruin the ending for you but they write a book.

Religion is just for people who don't understand science.

My history teacher once asked me if I knew what the holocaust was.
Hilarious, was apparently not the correct answer.

Apparently, 3.5 out of 7 people overcomplicate things.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Sometimes I like to pop over to the house opposite my pub.

Do deaf people get paranoid when farting in public?

I've grown to hate low ceilings.

Do women shake the petrol pump after filling up or is it just a man thing?

Dear Kingsmill confessions, My favourite bread is Warburtons.

Sky News: It's still blue with white clouds.

Statistically, Nein out of ten Germans are attractive.