I was always better at Geography than Maths. When asked "what is long division?" I answered "The Berlin Wall".

My wife left me because I always sound like I'm building up to a punchline.

I hate people who repeat themselves. Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

I've got a good joke about Royal Mail, but I think I'll post it next week.

My mums into role reversal,
she puts the ham on the outside

Earthquakes: they really rock my world.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

I can't think of anything that resembles Straw, but hey.

A man walks into a bar to find Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston standing by the Karaoke machine. He turns to the bartender...
"It's dead in here again then Dave."

My girlfriend says I'm too intimidating, but I think she flinches too easily.

I've finally discovered the meaning of life.
Dictionaries are so helpful

My time machine and I go way back

People always need their opinions validated.
Am I right?

Men who have tools in a womans mouth arent always dentists...

You know it's a sick joke website when the sponsor withdraws it's funding.

I wish my wife was as dirty as this site!

I really wanted to finger the missus but my thumb opposed.

I went to the doctors about an almond I have growing between my nipples.
He said " ahhh that old chest nut ".

So if the Mayans are right, does that mean this is the last Christmas to be visited by the annoying Ghost of Christmas Future?

morning glory just isn't the same without a smile on the end of it... so make yourself useful mum.

Everyone always calls me ignorant but I take no notice.

Pyromamiacs of the world, ignite.

People who go to bondage clubs are bound to enjoy it.

They say you're only 8 feet away from a five-a-side team.

My druggie neighbour's got a high opinion of himself.