Surely memory foam mattresses should remind you what her name is?

The best way of getting over someone is getting on top of someone else.

I'm the best at sponsored silences, if I don't say so myself.

Our economy is so bad, Lent next year will be called borrowed.

Hairdressers, they're a dyeing breed.

Chickens...
...stuff 'em.

I'm quite the expert on palmistry, I've written a handbook

So theres this one song from Coldplay.......

My wife says I'm too picky, she's always calling me "President of the Pedantic Society"
I hate it, she knows full well that I'm vice president.

I'm surprised Led Zeppelin took off.

I've Just finished the school run.
I won it fairly easily, they're only 7

I used to live in London as a baby.
It was probably the worse diguise ever.

Over the years, the wife's love of fake tan has rubbed off on me.

And then 15 officers were running after me down the alleyway.
Sorry, I like to cut to the chase

The company Booker has bought Makro today for 139 million....
plus VAT.

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

A true friend is someone you can call at 3am to help you bury a dead body.

I got drunk last night. Mind you, thats what I get for sitting in a cup of tea.

Who does Frank talk to when he has a drug problem?

My english teacher walked into a bar.
Which signifies a tense atmosphere and mood.

I just spent two hours planning a day of spontaneity.

All socks should be sold in packs of 3 as a precaution against losing one.

I offered a pregnant woman a seat on the bus today. She refused, but it was for the best. She was probably too big for my lap anyway.

I just lost my job as a tight rope walker,
They decided to cut me loose.

Growing up I didn't want to follow my father into the rodeo business, but he roped me into it.