I've just put a tenner on at corals that he sits up in his coffin during the interval

Don't make the mistake I did. I took my kids to a heavy petting zoo.

You know you are getting desperate when you start looking at the dog in a different way.

It's like playing "Where's Wally?" trying to find white athletes at the World Championships.

Turns out Dirty Dancing wasn't what I thought it was.

Are you telling me there's such a thing as a 'gender test' in sport and no one's thought to try it on the Williams 'sisters' and Amelie Mauresmo?!

Isn't it great when you gob on the beach? It just turns into a Haribo sweet.

What do you call a law-abiding city with a lisp?
Ethics.

I attempted to sabotage the World Fencing Championship recently, but I was foiled.

Whenever I talk to a Chinese person, I always feel like my face is blurry.

I had my first Waltz lesson last night. It all seemed to be going well when my partner said to me, "You might want to take half a step back babe, there's no groin contact in a Waltz". I wonder if that's why they call it Ballroom...

We Muslims like our marriages the same way we like our flowers.
Arranged.

Has anyone else noticed that 'Latino' is just another word for greasy?

Is it only me who has noticed the Glory Sheikhers sat behind Alex Ferguson?

Liverpudlians, failing to make a stand since 15th April 1989!

I used to go on MSN news. Now i just wait for an hourly update on here.

I PAD
Giving window lickers a chance in life since 2010

What do you call a little German who lives in a tin?
Heinz.

If there's one thing you should know about me
It's that I like people to know one thing about me.

The difference between obese and thin people is HUGE..

I was in the hospital for being too vain.
So, I checked myself out.

I hate living in a hard water area..
Or Iceland as they call it.

Believe it or not, but 100% of computer users die.

The person who cancels it will be my American Idol.

I lost my job at lastminute.com for being persistently late.