Has anyone seen my beachball? Last saw it in the north-east somewhere...

Good to see the red balloon playing again last night - wore the number 23 this week...

Sitophiliacs come in pears.

Why is it that the minute I switch on my computer in the morning, I know that it will be a rather unproductive day?

Looks like the Sheikh isn't the only man to who can throw money at the Man City team this season.

The in my keyboard doesn't work that well

Did you hear about the vegetable farmer that died?
There was a big turnup at his funeral...

I was talking to a hiker today but he just rambled on and on and on.........

Man Utd...
...Feel the burn.

I went to America on holiday and all I got was this XXL Tshirt.

They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.

Ironically the song Friday ruined my weekend.

My escapology skills know no bounds.

Don't worry Amy, we're honouring your death with plenty of one-liners.

My philosophical grandad thought for this country.

If anyone else is less observant than me, I haven't noticed.

My girlfriend reminds me of a truck I once owned.
She's pretty beaten up and you can fit 4 people in.

What does Hank Marvin say when he is hungry?

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

If Africans are so good at running, why does it take them ages to fetch water?

I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve.
How do you get that out?

I've been writing a book on desks.

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days.. then the mud fell off.

Personally, I'm just gutted that it wasn't Ronan Keating.

The closest I've ever got to a threesome is having my dog in the room.