How Long is a china man.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Obsessed, a word used by the lazy to describe the dedicated.

I said to the missus that the Libya situation was looking messy. She went and got a shower.

My wife accused me of being easily distracted.
I almost

My mother and I were separated at birth.

What does Britanny Murphy and most of my jokes on here have in common? They'll all get buried before christmas.

The new version of Pac-Man is so awesome, it comes with a search engine built into it.

I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!

A lot of people say i am egocentric - but enough about them

The thought of resorting to sleeping pills keeps me awake at night.

There was a story today in the papers about a train driver who had to retire due to his failing memory.... it was something along those lines

What did the Danish bricklayer say when someone tried to grab him?
Lego!

The fancy dress party was not as good as I though it would be, no one spoke to me all evening AND no one complimented my "Invisible man" costume

I don't like to brag, but I'm an excellent gloater.

I understand that the difference between mudmen and mudwomen is mudflaps.

University Challenge: getting up in the morning.

My agent said I should use a pen name, so from now on I am calling myself Bic Parker.

I'm an armoured personnel carrier and I'm APC.

Mediocrities, the lesser successful brother of Socrates.

Now I've plucked and stuffed the bird, all that remains is to kill it.

Can Muslims eat fast food on Ramadan?

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

I could count on one hand the number of times I've changed the blades on my lawnmower and forgotten to turn the power off.

I sang with Tom Jones once. He was on the radio, I was on the toilet.