If your aim in life is to be unsuccessful and you are unsuccessful...... doesn't that make you successful?

suicidal picture. hung itself.

I had a joke criticising Joseph Stalin's leadership, but it got purged.

Did you know, the average person has one fallopian tube.

I'm a big fan of incest, I get it from my dad.

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

I'm normally quite cynical about over counter treatments but I really think this antisceptic cream is starting to work.

My parents were so poor, when I was little they used to take me to the pet shop and tell me it was the zoo.

Im not lazy.....Im energetically challenged.

The bidet - invented by someone who got tired of doing handstands in the shower.

Apparently, Snake Bite will not kill you...
Unless you are allergic to Cider.

Someone stole my contact lenses today.
Robbed me blind

Karate - The only thing where black is the superior.

Captains log, Star-date 3.1415926535. I seem to have a strange urge for Pie today ....?

I would kill to spend 15-25 years in prison.

I think the guy who came up with the 'A B C D E F G U' grading system failed English.

Before I got into comedy, I was a plumber for 150 years - although that's just an estimate

My girlfriend said I'm afraid of commitment.
Well... She's not my girlfriend.

If crime doesn't pay how come the police get wages?

I wish I was DNA helicase.
Then I could unzip your jeans.

I hear the band Blue have got back together for a sell out gig. They went to see Gorillaz and had a great time.

Due to heavy rainfall last night, there is now a leek in my Greenhouse.

I was named after my father...
I don't really like the name 'dad' though.

Sickipedia: the light-hearted way to get your news.

My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs...
how do I know?...
...let's just say a little bird told me.