It's times like these, when I'm sat in bed with my computer on my knee, that I really wish I'd bought a laptop.

If I had a crystal ball...
I'd sit down really carefully.

My doctor said to me, "Do you know your sperm count?"
I said I didn't know they were that clever.

I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting. Underneath it said "Loaned anonymously."
I went to the front desk and said, "Id like my Van Gogh back now, please."

My wife said she's leaving me because I never make any sense,
and thats why I dont like cricket.

"If you can't beat 'em, you're probably French..."

Stable relationships are for horses

I love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.

I don't like being called a racist, I prefer ethnic critic.

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

What would happen if you poured self-raising flour on an orphan?

Do history exams get harder every year?

Apparently C P R is not as easy as A B C.

RIP to Steve Jobs, who always lived life to the macs.

I realised I didn't have many friends when I tried to text Dave and scrolled down my contacts list and accidentally texted Stuart.

Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts for a girl whose knees don't bend.

Why aren't Audi A3s twice the size of Audi A4s?

It's things like calling me a 'compulsive liar' which forced me to kill myself.

I can tell you now, with my hand on my heart, I have no ribs.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

What do you get if you cross a mountain and a desert?
Tired feet.

I really should start saying "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"

I must say that was the best Sunday lunch I've had all week.

Seems to me like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

Gullibility test kit - send 19.99 now!