If I brought one thing to a dessert island it would be a spoon.

How many Smiths fans does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they have a light that never goes out.

Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

Revenge is a dish best served with laxatives.

I slept like a rock last night.
Outside.

Are homeless people allowed to listen to house music?

You know you've messed up completely when even Hallmark doesn't have an apology card for what you did.

According to a new survey, almost half of UK firefighters are considered too overweight to properly fulfil their job.
Out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Norwich City are looking like a recipe of disaster for this season.

Anyone else think Schumacher should man up?

Did anybody else stumble across this site when they were looking for kiddipedia?

Is that a tic tac in your knickers or are you happy to see me?

Isn't every bike an exercise bike?

The future: like the past, except you die in it.

I spent all afternoon digging the garden for my grandma.
I can't remember where I buried her.

Today I went blind in one eye.
I gotta say I've seen better days.

It's incredible how nervous people get if you follow them up a ladder.

I've invented a kitchen that can wash your clothes, clean up, do the ironing and cook you a meal all from a simple electronic letter from your computer.
I call it a fe-mail.

My friend was digging up his garden when he found a gold coin in a lump of earth.....
Lucky Sod.

I remember the first time I tried Shaving with a Bic.
I ended up drawing more Stubble than I had in the first place.

Me and my family really like our sandwiches but people give us funny looks when we say we're inter bread.

Did anybody else laugh at the fact that Jamrags spelt Fritzl wrong?

Newquay, coming down hard on underage drinkers since 2009.

Nostalgia is heroin for old people.

I wonder if he'd been playing infamous?