I'm not politically correct, but my gollywog is.

I read today that Lego, despite the credit crunch have seen there profits go through the roof, then collapsed when some bigger boys put their feet through it.

To be honest reading this website recently i dont think i have ever seen so many guys being so honest

I haven't seen my local Vicar for weeks.
I think i might report him to the Missing Parsons Bureau.

The great thing about imaginary friends is that if you square them they become real.

what came first the chicken or the dfs sale?

As I am in a band, I did a gig for a load of phone companies and the reception was amazing...
Except for T-Mobile.

People tell me I should be more secretive.

I'm going to loot some loreal products, because it'd be worth it.

It's not until after you've recited your wedding vows that you realise that it's such a long sentence.

There's no point being pessimistic, it just won't work

I went to a kebab shop the other day and got a doner.
Unfortunately my body rejected it

Last night in the pub someone spiked my drink with anesthetic
I think it was a local

What do you call a death camp full of kittens?
Meow-schwitz

What's my favorite thing about teenagers? Their little sisters.

My mate never has any problems getting 3g on his mobile.
He knows loads of drug dealers.

I can't picture myself without a camera phone.

doctor doctor, birds keep trying to build nests in my hair!
Have you been on the mephedrone again?

A picture is worth a thousand words, but try saying that with a picture.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I Took Nine Tests For OCD Today. They All Came Back Negative. I Had To Take A Tenth One Though Because I Only Like Round Numbers.

Every time i had a beer today i got the hiccups. I just kept looking at my misses so they'd go away.

Someone asked me what was the date today.Something quite similar to a prune I told him.

I just had a bake sale.
Hotcakes didn't sell as well as we'd been told they would.

I've found out my Dad wanted me aborted, my Mum thought it was a bad idea as I was just about to start secondary School.