Women are only good for one thing,two if they can cook.

A light switch...because who wants a heavy one?

Every dubstep musician used to be that kid who could burp the alphabet, they all just somehow managed to make a career out of it.

I was giving Tulisa a hug earlier and now i cant find my wallet.

Whats bridgends favourite game? hangman!

Harry's feet weren't the only thing sticking out of his invisibility cloak as he wandered around the girl's changing rooms.

As a means of capital punishment the guillotine divides a lot of people.

The residents of San Francisco have sent a message of sympathy to the people of Haiti.
They're just glad it wasn't their fault.

A man with a flat, round, metal head walks into a bar.
The barman says "why the gong face?"

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I wanted to make a joke about font, but I'm not bold enough.

A barman is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

When the X-Factor comes to Birmingham, the phrase "Who'll steal the crown this year?" has a totally different meaning.

Deep throat...the women are gagging for it.

I'm in two minds whether to believe my diagnosis of schizophrenia.

When I was at school, I spent half my time scared of things like fractions.
Well, I say half my time.

Paedophiles ruin it for innocent van drivers who really DID lose their dog.

When these Muslim suicide bombers get to Heaven, I hope every single one of their 72 virgins are men.

I gave up Gymnastics to be an Alcoholic.
Now i can stay on the Jim Beam all night.

I've got a fantastic memory...I can still remember the day a giant tadpole was banging me on the head.

I spashed out on a new car the other day, but the garage owner made me clean it off.

Don't buy a penny whistle from the pound shop - it's a rip off.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Two economists meet on the street. One inquires, "How's your wife?" The other responds, "Relative to what?"

Congratulations to Super Mario for winning the F1.