The Vice President resigned and that of course is Iranian for shot and thrown out of a car.

Physical scars last forever, mental scars only while you're sober.

I only shave one of my legs, because when I'm in bed, it feels like I'm sleeping with a woman.

An eye for an eye leaves us like Gordon Brown

My nan is so lonely that when I told her Harold shipman was coming round she put the kettle on.

People who go for face lifts have a good idea that they are going to look younger after surgery, so why do they always look surprised?

"You're very possessive," I said, through the vicar.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wayne.
Wayne who?
Wayne drops keep falling on my head...

Me and the wife have been married for 15 years today, so we're off down to the local registry office to renew our vows of celibacy to each other.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy

What's the difference between the sun and Sickipedia? The sun only goes down once a day.

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you crash in a tunnel, Pappa, Papparazzi.

If Jamrags were really serious about their market research theyd know they should be giving away free fleshlights, not tampons!

Your Girlfriend
Hates the jobs you love

I put the washing out yesterday.
That will teach me to be more careful where I light the barbecue.

What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.

I wonder how many of the sickipedia top users are on the FBI's top 10 most wanted list?

Why does a room full of married people look so empty?
There's not a Single person in it!

I've often wondered how people get to the shop that sells wheelchairs.

Where do dwarfs go to buy jonnys?
little woods

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, like I've never heard that before.

Noise, the silent killer.

It was a close one, but I won the award for 'worst dental hygiene' by the skin of my teeth.

I was liv when someone nicked my id.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ!