I find it really hard to keep secrets, so I ask people to help me.

Went to Rome the other day, it got me thinking. What did Michelangelo do with the other fifteen chapels?

I don't really attack people. I'm all stalk and no action.

I bought a box of those press-on towels in Boots today.
What a con - I used six and didn't even get my arms dry.

Guitar pioneer Les Paul has died aged 94. The police have no leads but state there is no need to fret and suspect he may have snapped his neck.

Funny how inflammable things are flammable.

Has anyone else noticed that it is impossible to blow your nose without opening the tissue and having a good look at the contents?

So in which prison is the Sickipedia stand up comedy night?

The sickipedia stand up night, looking for 'sponsors',
or 'bail' as it's more commonly known..

Police have arrested six pregnant chav`s and charged them for growing their own dope.

You know you're a bad parent when you dip your kid in the bath water first, because you don't want to scald your elbow.

Pyjama cords - convincing you there's a spider in your bed since pretty much you were born.

On wafer packets how do they describe how thin the wafer is?

You know you're on Sickipedia a lot when you reply "Duplicate" when you get text a joke you've already been sent.

I'm sure I saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame this morning.
If it wasn't him, it was a dead ringer.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum.
So he recommended his wife.

There are exceptions to every rule. Except this one.

Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children

I'm so unpopular right now, the voices inside my head aren't even talking to me.

Went to a party at Barry White's house last night, it was very low key.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...
...especially when you're standing behind Pippa Middleton.

Fact:
If you want people to punch you in the face repeatedly, precede every statement you make by saying "fact".

The Great Wall Of China; The longest wall in the world but not one cash point.

Ballistophobia - Fear of missiles or bullets... Has there ever been a more pointless word?