Has anyone else wondered what girls do when they are home alone?

I went to the Planetarium yesterday, I dont think i was welcome... the whole atmosphere changed as soon as i walked in.

I don't really like lip readers, but I'd never say that to their face.

When cracking one off with a pair of knickers on your head, don't look in the mirror, because you look like a giant fly.

Just heard that there will be a sequel to Gone in 60 Seconds. It's rumoured to be set in Haiti

I hate concussion, it does my head in.

I asked a fisherman for some advice,
but he just told me to sling my hook

Ever since I was a small boy I've never liked the look of Captain Birds Eye. There's just something very fishy about him.

Ill take one o these Meteor showers over a gas shower anyday.

There are no stupid questions,................... but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.

Never ask a black barman for a shot.

Water floats my boat.

"The allegation of me being anti-Semitic is the biggest lie since the Holocaust." -Mel Gibson

You just can't beat a feminist.

The best thing about mother's milk is the lovely packaging.

I've never blasphemed, I swear to God.

My friend is going out with an absolute diamond!
Yeh he did a bit of carbon-dating.

I'm the worst volunteer hands down.

Last night we ordered the cheeseboard to share between three people. We had a fromage trois.

At first I hated my new hair cut.......
It's growing on me now

Thick Chips.
Do they come from Dumfries?

My only fault is my low self-esteem.

My boss told me that if I keep coming into work late, I'm going to be looking at Dismissal.
I'm just wondering how Starbucks acquired a WMD.

I always dress in Tie Dye just in case Predator is watching.

Hit a child at 70. And there's a 90% chance it's because it stole your Worther's Originals.