You've heard of quack and croakaine. But what gets lizards high?
Mariguana.

I flipped when my wife said I was burning the burger on one side.

my job is so secret, even i don't know what i'm doing...

So I bought this DVD and in the 'extras' it said 'deleted scenes', So I went to have a look and there was nothing there..

My wife called me patronising.
I said "do you even know what that means?".

I tried ringing up the compulsive liar society but it turned out I had the wrong number.

Any hole is a goal...except a manhole.

I really wouldn't be surprised or bothered if i had no emotion.

Scientists have designed a missile with a warhead filled with Nitrous Oxide.
Must be some kind of Comical weapon

Me & my dyslexic twin are like two b's in a pod.

There are four things i am not good at;
Faces, names and numbers.

I've just made my binman an offer he couldn't refuse.

Was walking through the perfume stands in Debenhams today when a saleswoman came up to talk to me.
"Oh, you smell nice, what fragrance is it you are wearing, Obsession by Calvin Klien?"
To which I replied, "nope, it's Lynx by.. two get one free".

I'm the loneliest person I know.

I'm not really interested in tobogganing, but I would probably do it if pushed.

I wish i could punch Soulja Boy thru the phone.

They said Spurs would be top when pigs flu.

Nothing says 'We're a fun company!' quite like comic sans.

Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful

If you cant laugh at yourself
Then you must be Amerian

This dog is following me around like I'm made of meat.
Wait a minute....

If I had a pound for every time someone told me I didn't pay attention, I'll have milk two sugars please.

My wife says that I never pay any attention to her and that today's match Andy, should be a absolute cracker

I went to the Red Cross the other day and asked to buy a stretcher,
They asked me if I wanted to try it out first but I didn't want to get carried away

There's been a bitter rivalry between Tetley's and Greene King for generations.