Aftershave - Perfect for all occasions...... Except for right after you just shaved.

Never argue with an Idiot, he might be doing the same.

Sadly, I'm a pessimist.

I went to a charity auction last night.
Bought Oxfam.

You know you're getting old when you and your teeth don't sleep together anymore.

I had to pull a few strings to get my job as chief tester at the tampon factory.

Sickipedians - The people that the Daily Mail warn you about.

My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture.

Are all librarians really so offensive?

You never know where you stand with a cyclops . I mean , is he winking at you , or just blinking ?

Borders have gone into administration. The administrator expects it to take some time to go through the company's books...

I bet it was an American who came up with the phrase `food for thought.`

My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.

I have a tree planting addiction and need to start cutting down.

I turned my phone onto 'Airplaine mode' and threw it up into the air.... Worst transformer ever!

Guns are for people who can't be bothered to humiliate criminals with elaborate swinging paint-can contraptions.

I wonder how many Jamrag's T shirts have DUPLICATE on the back of them

Why does monosyllabic have 5 syllables?

Mexican funerals. Putting the sombre in sombrero.

I hate it when I get a text but I have to wait about half an hou *some text missing*

When I grow up I want to be an old man.

Anyway to cut a long story sho...

Wallaby: Noun: One who aspires to be a kangaroo

Why is it that if Gok Wan lies to a woman to see her naked he's a "Hero" but if i do it im a "Pervert"

My nan still thinks it was a giant tiramisu that killed hundreds in Samoa. Bless her!