Summer should get a ticket for speeding.

I'm pretty sure that a city built on rock and roll would be fairly structurally unsound...

My girlfriend is black she says she loves me long crime

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared

Guns dont kill people- but gaping holes in vital internal organs do...

To be frank, you could talk about drugs to me all day.

As a technophobe, I find Facebook too tricky for my liking.

I was on my luxury yacht with my girlfriend the other week, looking at sharks swimming around us. She squealed oh my god there big would they eat me whole? I said no they would spit that bit out..!

Put two and two together and you have a Siamese gang bang.

You know music's bad when parodies are better than the original.

I was going to learn what futile means, but now I think it's pointless.

I had a game Inspired by Ant and Dec's Red or Black with the new pretty girl in my office today, it was called bed or sack.

I've just got off the phone with the doctor, they say I have Multiple Sclerosis...
But he won't tell me how many.

That's the last time I use the post office on a religious holiday, it was a stampede.

Anybody that thinks these jokes about Steve Jobs are too soon obviously havn't been waiting for the iPhone 5.

My ex-wife can't stop beating herself up about the fact I got to keep the voodoo doll of her in the divorce settlement.

Sometimes I look back and think: "I really should watch where I'm walking right now."

Everybody praised me when I bought a hat, but before long, it went to my head.

I was cutting down Trees yesterday, when i almost killed a Swedish House DJ.
Luckily i shouted "TIM BERG !!".

My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

Jamrags does sound suspiciously like a character that was rejected from the final cut of Toy Story 2.

That poor boy in the pool on holiday, not quite the way I would expect to get sucked to death in Thailand.

Towards the end of his career Steve Jobs had gone from entrepreneur to gaunter-preneur.

The wife said she was leaving me because I'm too lazy, I couldn't be bothered to reply to such a comment.

My Jewish neighbour hates to see anything go to waste.
He was diagnosed with cancer last month, so he's taken up smoking.