Here's a joke for all the mind readers out there...

Why in a country of free speech are there phone bills?

Every day when I wake up I like to look in the mirror and just reflect.

I have extreme burns on my face...
I have a pretty funky looking goatee as well.

Did you know that when you close your eyes in front of a mirror you have no reflection.

Why is it, Whenever I say "I farted" people always sniff just to check.

Ironically, I find fat slags are very easy to pick up.

For the first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers you're just finding your feet.

I may not go down in history, but I will definitely go down on your little sister.

My girlfriend is essentially quite an elaborately designed right hand.

My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometres for short.

i worked in a pathology lab but was asked to leave after one of my reports said cause of death - Autopsy

Head of lettuce.
That must be a boring job.

The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.

Anglo-Saxon, that's about as multicultural as I am going to get.

I've used up all my sick days, so tomorrow I'm calling in dead.

All generalisations are false

I realised we were poor growing up when my mother said, "Don't go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn't read it yet."

Ken Dodds Dads dogs Dead.

I've just been offered a free sky diving experience.
I'm not falling for it.

Spiderman's only fear = Rolled up newspaper man.

Don't tell anyone I told you this, but I have heard my wife is going to leave me because I gossip too much.

I wear the trousers in our relationship.
She tells me which ones to wear though.

Do you know that my wife talks so much that when she goes on holiday she has to put suncream on her tongue!

Communicating with Native Americans... it's easy when you know How.