My girlfriend's called Aoife, which has all but one vowel in it, so I send the same message to her while I'm at work:
To Aoife. Missing u always
I've come up with more irrelevant similes than a cat on a hot tin roof.
There is no need to contradict a woman. She'll do it herself sooner or later.
My friend once told me that I am socially awkward.
I didn't know what to say.
Lets try and keep my Parkinson's out of ttthiiiss.
They say laughter is the best medicine, so when I ask girls out they must think I am sick.
When asked who their favourite Rice Krispie character is, most people make a Snap decision.
I've been beside myself with worry since being diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I've got a new blank chess board. Check it out.
Jews are usually so good with savings.
Ironically, they couldn't save themselves.
I failed my chair exam.
I have to resit.
Michael Owen, Owen Hargreaves and Emile Heskey walk into a bar .... and ask for jobs.
It really shows the stupidity of the Americans when the Africans speak better English than they do.
There was a head on collision involving a milk float and a blood mobile. Both drivers got 3 pints on their license.
Sometimes I wish I was black . . .
Kinda rules out being Ginger.
Why do the taliban have to make a song and dance out of everything?
It's funny how people change.Although, apparently that's not a valid excuse for lurking around Debenham's changing rooms.
Vodka is just potatoes that made the right career choices.
I have invented a door made entirely from seeds that opens by voice command.
To be honest, I'd have to stop telling lies.
My mrs.brought home 30 knickerbocker glories! I'll never eat those in a month of sundaes!
If a ginger person leaves a suicide note,
Does anybody read it?
Unfortunately, there is no "I" in the word "Ego".
I've been putting in the hours at my new job at Kwik-Fit, it's tyring work.
My girlfriend said to me today, "Do you not find me attractive anymore?"
I said, "you'll have to speak up love, I can't hear you through the bag."