If my mother was alive today, she'd tell me: "Son...stop telling people that I am dead."
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?
The kids shouted through, "Come quick dad, Nan's ready to take you on at boxing"
Sure enough, there she was, in the middle of the front room, the mother-in-law with her fists clenched and posed to strike. Well, I just took her out with the one punch ...
It was then I remembered we'd just got the new Kinect game.
What's pink and fluffy?
Came across a charity today called 'Computers for Africa'
Surely someone should have founded a 'Mains sockets for Africa' first?
I walked past a nightclub last night and noticed that all of the women in the queue were really fat.
Then I noticed the sign on the door, "Over 18's Only'.
A policeman randomly stopped me in the street last night.
He said, "Before I search you sir, do you have anything on you that you shouldn't have?"
I said, "Yes, I'm wearing my nans bra."
So scientists have proved that more sleep leads to longer life.
But you spend less time awake.
The safest place to be during a plane crash is curled up in a fetal position on the floor as far away as possible from a plane crash.
I don't know why babysitters always complain that their job is so hard.
I'm sitting on a baby right now and it's easy.
Because we can't all be clever.
What do you call a Reliant Robin with a beach ball in it?
My girlfriend wanted some spiked shoes, because she felt they would make her run better for a charity sprint.
So I laced her trainers with Rohypnol.
I remember when I used to get on the bus with my dad, and he would tell me to say I was under 5 so he wouldn't have to pay my fare.
In the end I decided to start walking to work.
I was given tablets to help me stop being immature.
The packet said "69 tablets for oral use only."
I'm still immature.
I saw a woman struggling to get her buggy off the bus today.
As her child was getting flung from side to side, I could see that she was becoming increasingly stressed, so I walked over and said, "Do you mind if I have a go?"
"Be my guest," she replied.
I took her kid out of the buggy, strapped myself in and said, "Right, I'm ready."
I jumped through a wardrobe today, and went to Narnia.
It looks a lot like Ikea but with angrier staff.
My mate's a bit thick, he keeps making up words that already exist. One example, we were at the pub the other day and it was getting late so he says 'I think I'm gonna call it a night.'
Er... Think it's already called that mate.
101km south-west of Dublin....
OH MY GOD.... IT'S KILKENNY!
I went to the bank the other day and asked the cashier for a statement. She said 'My name is Carol and I work at the bank'.
My dog has just learnt the basics of a rollover.
He's one step closer to presenting the National Lottery.
I went fly tipping last night.
God knows what they'll spend their money on.
What is six inches tall and goes 'buzz buzz buzz'?
Can anyone tell me what concise means..please be short, brief and to the point
I got into a heated argument with this guy at the pub last night and we decided to take things outside.
We started with the tables and chairs.