A great simile is like a magnificent racing horse: this isn't one.

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree.

Try all you like but the longest word in Scrabble is ....
Scrabble

All seater stadiums.
I won't stand for it.

'This is the captain speaking. You may now switch on your mobile phones...as you'll need to text your loved ones before we plummet into the sea.'

My wife went into a shop quickly and told me to wait for her.
I drove off home, and she came in about an hour later.
She said, "I told you to wait on me!"
I said, "I did wait. But I was doing it while I was driving."

Facebook - for hideous, fat, ugly women to deceive lads into thinking they look human.

America.
The only country stupid enough to celebrate the 4th of July on the 5th.

BBC News: Gunman Shoots Seven.
Friends say he didn't want 10 living in fear after 7 ate 9.

I've got some new slippers made out of live mice.
I don't like them.
They squeak when I walk.

A girl once told me that she'd die for me.
Or that she'd die before she kissed me, I can't really remember now.

It's Gregor Mendal's 189th Birthday. Being that old, no wonder he smells like pea.

My wife is always nagging me to take the bins out.
But somehow I'm the weird one when I try and get them on the bus.

My mate got killed by a quadrapalegic last night.
I warned him not to pick a fight with a Boa Constrictor.

My friend said I didn't understand how spoonerisms work
I told him to Uck Foff

The wife just said, "Show me what you're made of, big boy!"
So I gave her a bucket of offal.

I got arrested for smashing the town clock with a hammer.
"It was self defence." I said to the policeman, "The clock struck first."

I told my wife the bad news that my credit card got cloned,
She said, "that's great, but why do you need 2?"

I legally changed my name to Bruce Banner.
It's got me out of many a parking ticket.

I started dating this disabled girl, both for her personality...
And the fact that she can't run away.

Anybody would think I was into busy woman every time I ask a girl out they have "other" plans.

My dad used to be a big fan of the prime minister.
Then they replaced him with an air conditioner.

My mate says he doesn't believe in marriage.
I don't know how he can say that though.
He was my best man recently so he knows it definitely exists.

How do you recognize an idiot inside a car wash tunnel?
He rides a bike.

I've decided to increase my chances of being abducted by aliens.
I'm growing a filthy beard, moving to America, adopting a Texan accent and killing my brain cells with whiskey.