I'm currently sorting out my best mates stag do.
I said to him, "I'm going to arrange for us to go to Spain 1 week before your wedding."
He said, "That's too close, you should do it a bit further away."
"You're right" I said, "Greece it is then."
Ever get a shock from your car door? Mine just told me I'm adopted.
My grandad died during nose reduction surgery.
I'm taking things positively.
At least the coffin lid will be able to shut properly now.
My girlfriend kissed me on the Tulips and said, "I'm leaving you. It's because of your obsession with flowers."
As I burst into tears, like a big pansy, I replied, "I don't beleaf it... Where did this stem from, petal?"
Bought one of those Volkswagon Caddy's a few weeks ago.
Waste of money. The committee have banned me from taking it onto the golf course.
Wind farms would turn much faster if they had engines fitted to them
Now that my father is pushing daisies I've decided to follow his example.
Cow tipping is a great hobby.
My blind neighbour was saying he wanted to keep fit, but it's impossible when his Golden Retriever is trained to keep him safe.
So last night I swapped it for a Greyhound.
I was sitting in my car with my head in my hands this morning, when two young blokes approached me and asked if I was okay.
"Not really" I replied, "My car won't start and I'm going to be late for work."
"Would you like us to push you?" they asked.
"That would be great" I said, "I'll let you know when we get there."
The singer David Lee Roth is reported to have been killed trying to hitch a lift after a concert. Witnesses say a white Ford transit hit the Mr Lee Roth killing him instantly.
Police have issued a warning to others on the dangers of van hailing
That's the last time I go to a table top sale.
There were hundreds there, but not one for sale.
I've always looked up to my parents.
One of the really hot girls in the office approaches me while I'm getting a coffee and the conversation goes like this:
Her: "Macca, bit of a random question for you."
Me: "Go on..."
Her: "I want to go on holiday in October."
Her: "Whereabouts is it still hot in October, coz I want to be in a bikini!"
Me: "Right, well you want to try somewhere like Africa, Australia, the Caribbean, South America, The Southern States of America... In fact, pretty much anywhere that isn't here."
Her: "What about France?"
Me: "That's pretty much here. Give or take a few hundred miles. I wouldn't bother. Do you know what the equator is?"
Her: "Yeah, that's that thing around the world isn't it?"
Me: "Yeah... Something like that... Well put your finger anywhere along there and chances are it'll still be hot in october."
Her: "What if my finger lands in the sea?"
Me: "Pick it up and start again."
Her: "Thanks Macca!"
My girlfriend left me because she said I never make sense.
I don't get, if I don't make sense then why are there so many badgers in my fridge?
I was driving down the M1 the other day and a police officer stopped me and said
"Do you know you going 80 Miles Per Hour in a 60 zone?"
I said "that's impossible I've only been driving for 5 minutes".
I declare today Question Day. Why? I hear you ask. It pleases me that you are getting into the spirit of things
I just saw some bloke dressed as a gorilla buying bananas, vaseline and condoms in Asda which I thought was really strange, as he's usually buys them on a monday from Morissons.
Adverts these days are so unrealistic eh?
Just the other day I saw a Lurpack advert, where a man was in a kitchen, making himself an omelette!
I've recently been buying loads of umbrellas and water-proof jackets.
I'm going to save them for a rainy day.
I've been trying to think all day what it is that Pandas eat and I still can't remember.
I just love sitting naked behind my computer.
My boss doesn't.
Pinocchio: "Conversely, however, in conjecture, additionally, furthermore"
Geppetto: "Pinocchio, what on earth are you going on about?"
Pinocchio: "I like big buts and I cannot lie"
I was sitting in the hospital waiting room today, when I saw a sign that read: 'Help Beat Testicular Cancer By Recycling Your Mobile Phone Today!'
So I recycled mine.
Fingers crossed my testicular cancer is gone by the morning.
Don't be fooled with that Natwest advert offering you emergency cash if you lose your cash card.
Happened to me last night and after several calls they threatened to get the police onto me.
Apparently you have to have an account there.
I phoned my boss. "I won't be in today. I've got food poisoning."
"Nasty," he replied. "Do you know where you got it from?"