I came home the other day and found my son smoking in the house.
His funeral is on Monday

The ICC have issued an arrest warrant for Col. Gaddafi. This is in response to a rebel, who when asked by a reporter for his response to Gaddafi's latest attacks, replied, "It just isn't cricket".

As I came home from work today, I went into the bedroom finding my phone still on charge from where I had forgotten it this morning. Looking to see if I had any missed calls I saw two texts from my mrs.
"hey babe, you have left your phone at home. How silly of you"
And then followed by another one,
"just realised, lol, I forgot to ask you to pick up milk"

The school just phoned me and said, "We found your son in possession of cocaine today, do you have any idea where he got it from?"
I said, "Probably his great grandad, he used to take cocaine to school."

Defy the government at the start of British Summer Time by refusing to put your clocks forward at 2.00 in the morning. 'Save' the hour for later in the day. You still get your lie-in and you can fast forward your day when it suits you, like when there is nothing on telly.

I was going to write a joke about how much I hate lazy people
I decided, however, that it was just much too effort

The wife's really mad with me because I've built a bridge in the front garden
She'll get over it

I would really like to know how Oreo can just decide what milks favorite cookie is.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Anything - however don't expect the deer to register your language.

My television broke this morning...but by lunchtime my friend Leroy had bought 100 more around for me to choose from.
Must've spent all of his unemployment benefits on them..

I'll never forget my Mother's last words....I wrote them down somewhere.

I just knocked on my neighbours door and said, "Have you got any condoms?"
He said, "I've got piles."
I said, "Sorry to hear that mate, have you got any condoms?"

My girlfriend said, "I don't want you wearing a condom anymore when we're making love."
"Oh sweetie, are we starting a family then?" I giggled.
"No, you just look stupid with your ears all squashed up in it."

A blonde woman was talking to her friend about a first aid course she'd attended. She said, "It was a good thing I went on that course, I was coming down the street yesterday when I saw a big crash. I looked round and this bloke had been knocked down by a taxi. He was covered in blood, looked to have a broken arm and a compound fracture of the leg. I then remembered what I'd learnt on the first aid course. So I bent over and put my head between my legs to stop myself from fainting."

I tried using Bounty to clean up a spillage the other day,
If anything, the chocolate made it worse.

I've just been approved for an any purpose loan.
I'm going to use mine to fund Al-Qaeda.

I'm so glad that Nik Naks have brought back Scampi and Lemon flavour.
Now when I touch up next doors 12 year old daughter, I've got the perfect excuse to give my wife when she smells my fingers.

I avoid deadly diseases like the plague.

EU bureaucrats have banned drink manufacturers from claiming that water can prevent dehydration.
Definition of 'hydrate'; to add water to.
Timmeh!

Just got back from the drive-in cinema. It was a regular cinema, but my brakes don't work.

My wife disappeared in the Borough of Ealing.
I've reported her as Missing in Acton.

Waiting outside my front door with my pants around my ankles, waiting for the Google Street View car to come past.

I really don't know why they put "Please sit down to pee" signs in this toilet. I did, and most of it didn't even make it up to the bowl.

A man walks into a Bar.
He's now a qualified law professional.

It's my favourite day today!
Tuesday.