I was walking in a field today when I saw crowd surrounding a woman that was lying down and not breathing. I ran over as quick as I could and used my basic knowledge of CPR to try and revive her. A member of the crowd told me there was nothing I could do and urged me to go away.
I hope they can continue the funeral without me.

I was just about to buy a new roll of black-bin bags, then thought, what's the point?
All I seem to do is throw them away.

I received a wedding invitation today.
On the back it read:
'Please write the amount of guests attending and post back'
I'm not usually good at this sort of thing, but I went for 120.

The mother in law is coming around for her tea tomorrow. She absolutely loves my lamb dinners.
So I'm making a roast salad.

My next door neighbours just asked me if I can look after their 2 cats while they go on holiday to Spain next week.
"Yes, that's fine," I replied, "I presume you'll be paying for my flights & accommodation?"

Just to let you know, if anyone knocks on your door collecting money for Dr Barnado's it's a scam.
He died in 1905.

I hate it when you go to a party and don't know anyone else there.
Maybe I should start going only to the parties that I've been invited to.

"I hate racial stereotyping.
All black men aren't thieves.
All Polish aren't lazy.
All Americans are not fat and stupid."
I shouted to Lee, the Chinese ninja who works in my office.

Atheist vampires are tricky to kill. You need a copy of The Origin of Species, and a monkey.

What soup weighs 2,000 pounds?
Wonton Soup

I'm a firm believer in precautionary measures, so I always pee on children when I go to the beach, just in case they get stung by jellyfish.

Why did David Haye cross the road?
Because he was a chicken.

I'm exactly three years away from being a millionaire..
This time next year, it'll be four.

I was having a pint in the pub last night when I noticed a bloke standing on his own by the pool table.
I walked over to him and said, "You look bored, do you fancy a playing a game?"
"Yeah, go on then" he replied.
I tapped him on the shoulder and ran off shouting, "You're it!"

The headmaster has described him as "a bright young lad who had a lot of potential."
Do you think he meant Gravitational or Electrical?

Some people consider me stupid.
Moron that later.

I was sitting at a table with two birds and I said "Do you want to come back to my place?"
"Which one of us are you talking to?"
"The one that says yes."

.u ss u o u ,upp

There is no "i" in "illiterate".

Mime artist jailed for battering another mime artist in London.
The victim tried to run away but got caught in an imaginary oncoming wind.

My girlfriend says I only think about myself. Do you know how much that hurts me?

My girlfriend said I was overly sensitive.
I nearly cried.

Everyone says I must be mental because I hold my nostrils shut and tip my head back to stop nosebleeds.
"If anything" They say, "At least wait until you actually have one."

I'm a pensioner and the other day I opened the door to find four 12-year-olds in tracksuits asking to read my meter. Hats off to the gas board for giving these youngsters such valuable work experience.

My mate asked me, "What's E.T short for?"
I said, "Actually, it is 115 minutes long, which is above the average feature-length running time."