Stupid Joke

As I was stood in the break room this morning my secratary walked up to me and asked ''Is that a banana in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?''
I replied ''No, Its a banana, I've lost my lunch box''

Stupid Joke

Went to a fancy dress party as a bottle of pop, but got mugged on the way home.
The ambulance arrived and asked how I was.
I replied "I'm alright, just a bit shaken up"

Stupid Joke

I find playing games against the computer extremely boring.
My X-box just sits and looks at the chess board.

Stupid Joke

What's white and disrupts your lunch?
An avalanche.

Stupid Joke

My dogs not very intelligent, he only understands two words- Sit and Profitability. It took me ages to teach him to sit. For a long time he was running a small business standing up.

Stupid Joke

I tweaked out a nose hair for the first time today to see if it hurt.
Judging by the reaction of the guy next to me on the train it looked pretty sore.

Stupid Joke

I got a text from an unknown number saying "I am the one and only! xx"
I rushed home to my girlfriend, who was standing at the door with an expectant smile and her new phone in hand.
"Guess what babe?" I said.
"What is it hun?" She said knowingly.
"Chesney Hawkes has my number!"

Stupid Joke

I answered the door before.
I didn't even know it could ask questions.

Stupid Joke

I've been reading a book recently, but every time I put it down someone keeps covering it in cornflour.
The plot thickens.

Stupid Joke

I'm sick to death of people who don't understand 'irony'.
For the last time, it means iron-like.

Stupid Joke

I don't want to come across lame but,
One of my legs has stopped working.

Stupid Joke

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I preferred her red or dark brown.
I just wish she'd wear a clean pair of knickers.

Stupid Joke

Phillip Schofield on 'This morning': "I'm a donor, when I'm gone people can have what they want"
I'm having his money.

Stupid Joke

"As I approached the junction I looked both ways for a motorbike. Having not seen any bikes I proceeded to pull out. The advert didn't say anything about cars, Your honour"

Stupid Joke

Three twins walk into a bar.
Hang on...

Stupid Joke

I sent the wife out to get me a new top, when she returned i opened the bag to find it had a load of bisto smeared around the collar.
Stupid cow....i told her to get me a new jumper and make sure it had a grey V neck....

Stupid Joke

I love my new job as a bingo caller at the local homeless shelter.
Whenever someone shouts, "House" I always reply, "No. You haven't."

Stupid Joke

Whenever my wife has anything to drink she has a tendency to take all of her clothes off.
Which makes going to Starbucks a little awkward.

Stupid Joke

I was at home earlier when I heard someone banging on my front door. I rushed downstairs to find my neighbour stood there looking frantic.
"Your son has just got into a man's van!" he blurted out.
"What!? What happened, which way did they go?" I asked, now panicking too.
"Down the hill, he offered him an ice cream and he climbed straight in."
"Oh no!" I cried, "He had ice cream at lunch."

Stupid Joke

I've opened a chicken shop recently. Bad idea.
Turns out chickens don't buy stuff at all.

Stupid Joke

I'm currently researching the problem solving capabilities of monkeys.
However, if anything, I think they've just made the Middle East situation worse.

Stupid Joke

Did you know two months ago I couldn't even spell latency.

Stupid Joke

My wife thinks my gambling addiction is getting worse.
"You've even started spread betting," she said.
"I'm sorry love," I cried, "but I got really good odds on our son having marmalade on his toast this morning."

Stupid Joke

You know the expression, "a watched pot never boils", well it's completely true.
I sat for hours watching a pot and nothing happened.
Then the wife came in and turned the hob on and I lost interest.

Stupid Joke

I've just brought my baby son some trainer socks...
He's not ready for normal socks just yet.