My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.
I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before.
My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right.
So I packed her bags and left.
As I sat down to eat my dinner today, that Unicef ad came on the Tv.
Apparently there are 7 million children ill, starving or dying.
I looked down at my plate of Steak, chips, mushrooms and fried onions, I felt a sickness in my stomach...
I can't stand onions!
I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know you.
I've already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.
The wife just asked, "What's that pile of clothes doing on the kitchen floor?"
I said, "It's a dead Jedi."
I turned up at Dragon's Den earlier in full armour with a broadsword.
They looked just as confused as I was.
Students, cause chaos in your town. Wait until you spot some young lads from the council digging up the road.
Call the police and tell them there are some students, dressed as roadworkers, digging up the road for a bet.
Then approach the roadworkers, and tell them that some students, dressed as policemen, are going to try to arrest them.
Get a deckchair and enjoy the action.
I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.
Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink.
It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"
My new stopwatch is brilliant, it can go from 0-60 in a minute.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.
Give an octopus nunchucks, and no-one's eating fish ever again.
If people are so amazed by crop circles, they should see the farm near my house. Aliens have somehow managed to cut down all the crops, roll them into enormous cylinder shapes, and stack them by the side of the field.
When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be written
on my statue.
Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.
I regretted it literally one minute later.
When I gave my wife a penguin bar as a birthday present she looked up at me and said, "Is this some kind of joke?"
"Yes," I replied, "and on the inside there's a chocolate covered biscuit."
Apparently Morrissey left the UK because he thought there were too many foreigners here.
Not sure what he expected to find elsewhere.
My girlfriend has just given birth and, unfortunately, the baby came out dead.
I know what this means and I'm extremely upset - I just can't believe she's been having an affair with a zombie.
I like to go to beaches early in the morning and bury metal items with 'Get a life!' written on them.
I was standing outside the off licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in.
I said, "Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?"
He looked at me and said, "You must be old enough, surely?"
"Yeah I am" I replied, "I just don't have any money."
I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason.
What a waste of fourteen years.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains.
I wonder what the other half is for?
What's the point of doors that have signs on them saying "Please keep closed at all times"
Doesn't that technically make it a wall?
I was talking to this girl, and she was complaining that sick jokes are getting too predictable so that after the first line you can guess the punchline.
So I took her out to dinner and we fell in love and we now are happily married with three kids.
I fell off a 50ft ladder yesterday... luckily I was on the bottom step.
Did you hear about the man who bought a sleeping bag?
He spent 3 hours trying to wake it up.