I finally understand the ending of the movie "The Sixth Sense"
Those were the names of the people who worked on the movie.

BBC news: siamese twins killed by hit and run.
You'd think they'd have looked both ways before crossing?

I was in the library noisily eating a kebab when the librarian said to me, "Shhhushhh."
I replied, "No it's Doner."

Be honest. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that youre going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or pretend to answer your phone to the imaginary person who is in the opposite direction to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks youre crazy by randomly switching directions?

The wife's heard that dark chocolate is less fattening.
Now the thick cow's started eating it with the light off.

My belt holds my trousers up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I've got a friend called Natasha, but we all call her Tash, because she doesn't wax her upper lip.

A mate of mine is suffering from severe depression and another mate said to me, 'I hope he doesn't do anything silly'.
I thought, he has depression, he's hardly likely to stick a carrot in each ear and pogo stick through the town shouting 'I'm a banana' is he?

I recently saw a friend of mine pour milk into a bowl and then add the cereal afterwards.
Needless to say, we're not friends anymore.

Could you all give me a set of 6 numbers so I can calculate the average for this little project I've got going.
Much appreciated.

As a no arm amputee, I am proud to say I have a lot of things still going for me...
I get to donate sperm again tomorrow.

My girlfriend told me she was seeing someone else behind my back.
I don't know how, I was sitting against the wall.

I was talking to a girl from the USA earlier. She told me, "I miss America."
I didn't believe her though: her grammar was terrible and she wasn't that attractive.

Hi, I'm Barry Scott and I think my hearing aid might be broken.

Just found out that my dog's got worms.
I'd been looking for that game for months!

My daughter came home in floods of tears a few days ago.
"Daddy, Daddy, I'm stuck on my homework!" It was mathematics- addition, to be precise. So, being a good parent, I painstakingly explained it to her, in detail, until she got the picture.
The next day, she came home crying again.
"Daddy, daddy, I'm stuck on my English homework!" she sobbed. It was basic grammar. Again, I took the time to explain it to her- and she seemed to understand that.
The day after that, she once again came back sobbing hysterically.
"Daddy, daddy, I'm stuck on my Science homework!" It was simple biology- how to identify plants, and the like. Once again, I explained it all to her in great detail, and she seemed to understand.
"Just one more thing, Daddy?" she enquired.
"Yes?" I replied.
"Don't you just hate long jokes with no punchline?"

I went to the hospital with a bad leg after a nasty fall.
The nurse said, "I've just done an X-ray and the results look terrible, I'm afraid it's broken."
"Oh right" I said, "Have you tried turning the machine off and then back on again?"

I sent my girlfriend a text.
"When I get home from work I want you to give me head"
"Could you be a little more romantic x?" came the reply.
"When I get home from work I want you to give me head next to a candle".

I came home from work yesterday and jumped into bed. I was out the second my head hit the pillow. That's the problem with steel pillows.

I've just got a 42inch Sony TV worth 1200, its buy now pay in January 2013, but I have a crafty plan up my sleeve.
I'l get it for free, as the world will end December 21, 2012, fingers crossed.

My wife reckons I suck at arguing,
I agree!

I went to Tesco today and threw all of the bread on the floor.
The manager came over and said, "Excuse me sir, what are you doing?"
I said, "I'm buying that shelf for 89p."

I tried to read The Sun yesterday but it kept making my eyes water.

I just threw a frying pan for my dog, but he wouldn't fetch.
Then I realised. It's non-stick.

I used the garbage out of our bin as bait today when I went fishing.
I caught two catfish, three water-rats and a pikey.