Paddy was with his solicitors and about to sign a multi-trillion pound deal.
"You know fellas," he said, "I'm self taught, never learnt to read or write and yet made me millions on me own. Now where do yas need me mark?"
"But Paddy," replied the clerk, "why have you put two crosses on the contract?"
"That's easy. One's me signature and the other one represents me PHD."

I have an invention that allows me to walk through Walls.
It's called a door.

I was having a game of poker with the lads from the garage and ended up with four jacks.
"Sorry," I said to them, "but you can have them back when you come up with the money."

I've spent most of the day trapped between two slices of bread.
That's the last time I tell a feminist to make me a sandwich.

I was really bored today so I thought I'd rearrange my bedroom.
Got 'moody berm'And 'mr boomedy' so far.

BBC News: Good spelling and grammar becoming a dead language
Rest In Piece.

What do you call a blonde after she has dyed her hair brunette?
Artificial Intelligence.

You know who hates it when people answer their own questions?..
Me.

Poured broth all over my car yesterday.
Souped it up.

Son: ''Dad,why did you give me a funny name?''
Dad: ''Not sure what you're talking about Lol.''

I sat on the highest peak on Dartmoor today and smoked a big spliff.
I've always wanted to join the mile high club.

After an argument, the wife always applies some war paint and a headdress.
It's just her way of putting on a Brave face.

I was watching tv and a advert came on "have you had and accident in the past 9 months that wasn't your fault?... call national accident helpline...."
I sat and thought about it for a minute and decided to give them a call
apparently the condom splitting is'nt enough to claim compensation........

I've started to use a pint of milk as an alarm clock.
I always wake up when it goes off.

I'm the coach for a local Sunday league football team. We call ourselves Masturbators United.
Last weekend, I was trialling a new centre-forward.
Unfortunately he was too soft. So I pulled him off.

I hate watching a TV series and reaching the last aired episode, so I always wait for it to end before I buy the box set and watch the whole thing.
I'm so excited for Coronation Street.

I like a woman with a bit of meat on her.
This is also why I keep getting thrown out of the local butchers.

I got an email today that said, "Have you had an accident at work?".
News travels fast when you've had a dodgy curry.

How are the Dutch allowed to enter two teams in the world cup?

Whoever said better late then never obviously never had Herpes....

I just couldn't understand why my farmhouse kept getting burgled.
Then I realised was leaving the cow flap open.

I just found my old ID...
Apparently, I'm 72 next week...

I got my exam results today and it said I had failed every single one of them. This lad with all A* was leaning of my shoulder looking at my results when he said, "Don't worry mate, you will get a top of the range council flat with them." To which I replied..
"It will be your hard earned money paying for my benifits which will be going towards a bag of weed so I don't know why you're so pleased."

Simons Trumpet business has become bankrupt
He knew that he had blown it.

I don't care what anyone says, but maybe that's because I'm deaf.