My wife suggested that we go to Switzerland on holiday this year. I'm really scared because I have a knife that belongs to the Swiss army.
My dad says there's no money in fishing.
He will be surprised when he sees I managed to make over a thousand pound selling all of his equipment.
I was stranded on a desert island when a black cat crossed my path.
"More bad luck" I thought. "Now I definitely won't find anything to eat!"
Anyone knows a bloke called Martin Aston? Found a car key with his name on it.
A Scotsman and a Jew are having dinner and drinks. At the end of the evening the Scotsman says "I'll pay". The headline in the Sun the next morning was "Jewish Ventriloquist Murdered"
My friend, Jean, decided to arrange a get together for all of the other Jeans in town, considering it was a fairly unusual name. She planned it for weeks and weeks, sending out invites and such, and she arranged for them to all meet up outside a particular club in town. She was surprised to find all the Jeans in town had turned up! there was Jean Smith, Jean Davies, Jean Neville and of course Jean Davidson. They all walked up to the entrance of the club together, but just as they were about to walk in the bouncer stopped them.
'Not tonight sorry girls' he said.
'Why ever not? They protested.
'No Jeans allowed'.
I bought a new guard dog but it's useless. He only barks whenever I look at the time.
I said to him, "You don't really get this whole watchdog thing, do you?"
The wasp who has just landed in my pint of lager doesn't look happy.
I'm not surprised, he probably didn't realise it was Fosters.
What with the increasing number of people getting cremated I can't help but think.
The inventor of the coffin must be spinning in his grave.
Andy Murray should think about a career in politics now.
MPs are used to cashing in on second places.
I've just phoned the hospital and put them on standby.
I'm just about to try and open a tin of corned beef.
A light aircraft crashed into a school last night.
It was a textbook landing.
I've always been told my problem was that I won't back down.
I've been stuck up these ladders for nearly a week now.
Every time I get a pain in my chest, my wife says I look exactly like Neil Buchanan.
Must be an art attack.
When I was younger I used to get bullied all the time. My mum would say:
"Don't worry love, everybody gets stronger and harder the older they get, it'll be ok."
After all these years I decided to see if it was true, so earlier I picked a fight. Big mistake.
It seems not everyone gets stronger and harder as they get older.
My boss caught me red handed sleeping at my desk and sacked me.
Apparently the pillow and blanket was a give away.
What do you call an Irishman with beautiful hair?
Save on unnecessary laundry by simply attaching a strip of Gaffer Tape to the gusset area of your favourite undies every couple of days as a handy skid catcher.
Isn't sweet and sour chicken just a bird with multiple personality disorder?
If you get arrested for stealing hay , do you automatically get bail ?
I treat my wife like a 'magic 8 ball'....
I shake her violently until I get the answer I want!
I saw a poster saying, "If you've seen this man, please contact us. 1000 reward."
So I phoned them up and said, "I seen him on the bus a few months ago."
Just waiting on the cash now.
I was listening to my headphones for the best part of five minutes before I realised I had left my I pod on the bus.
I was just viewing some pictures of women on a dating website.
There's one really fit bird that stood out: Donna81
I can't believe she's 81, she doesn't look a day over 29.
I always thought 'The Moonwalk' was overrated so I've invented a new dance for moon dwellers called 'Earthwalk' where you just simply walk normally.