I was reading my Harry Potter book on the train today.
Suddenly I got an urge to hit the guy sitting opposite me over the head with it.
He looked at me and said, "What's that all about?"
I said, "A young wizard who likes to play Quidditch."
As I walked through the airport clutching a big bag of cocaine, I could see that I was approaching a policeman with a sniffer dog.
So I quickly shoved it inside my jacket and carried on walking.
"Stop right there!" he shouted.
"Is there a problem officer?" I asked.
He said, "Yes, you've just stolen my dog."
I've tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records 1,254 times but... oh, hang on.
My boss called me into his office this morning.
He said, "I've recently been thinking about leaving the company, I would like to spend the next 5 years taking my wife around the world."
I said, "That sounds nice."
He said, "After some careful consideration, I have decided that I want you to take over."
"Wow, I'd love to" I said. "I just hope that me and your wife get on."
What happened when Paul and Barry's cheap condoms split?
They both had a little chuckle.
It's a terrifying statistic. 70% of young males die behind the wheel.
It isn't all laughs being a hamster.
I think the dipstick in my car is wearing out.
It doesn't reach the oil anymore.
I bought a DVD last night, it was so blurry I had to watch it with one eye closed...
It must be a Pirate.
Isn't it a bit obvious when your enemy sends a threat letter to your house saying,
"I know where you live".
In college, they used to call me "The Janitor"
...because I was the janitor.
I remember very clearly the day my teacher told me:
"Steve, you will never amount to anything, and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!"
I sure showed him yesterday when I got a job as a boxing referee.
I bought a parrot a few weeks ago, but after a few weeks it died from lack of feeding.
It never said it was hungry.
As I sat there licking my guitar, I thought to myself,
"I have a good taste in music."
A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor sits him down.
"OK what's your problem sir?"
"I'm half deaf" he replied
"That's ridiculous! You can't be half deaf!There is no such thing!"
"Yes there is!"
"OK OK! Go down the hall and I'll shout a number and you shout it back."
"OK!" He said
When he got to the end of the hall the Doctor shouts down.
"88 shouted the doctor.
"44"shouted the man.
Whenever I set the voice on my sat nav to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".
What has eight legs and one eye?
Two chairs and half a pig's head.
My wife ridiculed my efforts to become self-sufficient.
She'll be sorry when those pigs start laying eggs.
My mate turns to me and says, ''If you stopped all the clocks in the world, would time stop as well?''
''Could you be more ridiculous?'' I said sarcastically.
So he took his trousers off and asked me again.
I shouted abuse at some cows and all I got back were blank stares.
So I yelled, "You herd!"
I used to love playing spin the bottle when I was younger.
And catch the bottle. And talk to the bottle. I was a very lonely child.
The Irish Olympic team have just arrived in Beijing..
My girlfriend accuse me of living in a fantasy world.
I nearly fell off my Swedish Short-Snouted Mooncalf.
If at first you don't sucseed... succeedd... suxeedd... sucks... Oh I give up!
A policeman pulled me over last night.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
I said, "No, it belongs to the company I work for. I'm just using it out of work hours to help my brother move house."
"What's on the back?" he asked.
I said, "A fridge freezer, a washing machine and a double mattress."
"Can you take the key out of the ignition and step off the moped for me sir."
The strike attack of choice for ninja sheep.