"Why do people say burnt 'out'?" I said. "A building can't be burnt 'in', so I don't see the point in saying it really."
"I'll ask you again," the fireman said urgently. "In which room of the house is your wife trapped?"
Oh yeah, real mature guys! Is this like the time you made me believe David Schwimmer died?
I've got this thing that makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down.
It's a cow.
Sometimes when I'm bored I like to fill my bath up with water and turn on the shower so I can pretend I'm in a submarine that just got hit.
... which is why I start sentences in the middle.
If you hate men so much, why are you always trying to be like us?
I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, "Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in."
"No problem, Sir. This is called the lobby."
My wife just said to me, "I was worried the mechanic was going to rip me off but it was okay, all I needed was indicator fluid."
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife reckons it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat!
My missus said, "The hot water's cold."
So it's cold water then?
It was lucky that I went to see a fortune teller today.
She warned me that somebody was going to swindle me.
I was more than happy to pay for that kind of information.
I get complaints from my neighbours because I always walk about my garden wearing only my boxers.
I don't see what the problem is, I think they make a lovely hat.
As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,
"My pringles are getting crushed"
My mate's dog has been trained to sniff drugs.
It's brilliant, he can even roll up his own 20 note.
I joined a troupe of male strippers, but my mum warned me "If you work in THAT business, you'll see things you wish you'd never seen!"
She was right - the first time we performed, I saw her in the front row of the audience.
Describe yourself in three words:
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didnt know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
A man walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?"
And the man replies "I am severely deformed".
My company needed some computer software; at PC World, I was shown a program and told "This will do half your work for you." So I bought two copies.
Paddy thought he'd struck gold with his new metal detector.
It wasn't until he'd dug a 60ft-deep hole that he realised that he was wearing steel-toe boots.
I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.
Mind you, my legs have never smelled so minty.
Can anyone else think of a use for multi-purpose compost, other than growing plants in it?
Got stopped by a policeman today.
"Any idea how fast you were going back there?"
He said, "Listen mate, I'll ask the questions."
I walked into the shop and the girl behind the counter said, "Sorry, no dogs."
"That's OK, I brought my own. It's actually cigarettes I'm looking for?"
My missus says I'm sick, stupid and immoral.
She's obviously the stupid one for believing I'll live forever.