My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you keep repeating film quotes. I'm fed up of it. You're just not taking us seriously any more."
I said, "I am... Spartacus."
I was shocked when I jumped on the scales this morning.
I didn't even know my wife was a mermaid.
I was waiting at the bus stop the other day, but gave up in the end.
Every time I approached someone to ask if they would like to see a menu they just looked at me like I was stupid.
I find it really easy to fall asleep.
But I tend to wake up real quickly when I land.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
It's National Kill A Stranger Day !
I'm unsure whether to go out and kill a stranger ,
or stay in and hide under the bed.
My girlfriend said "How do I lower the lights in the lounge?"
I told her "Use the dimmer switch"
She replied "They all look the same colour to me"
Me and my friend Dave decided to make a pact to stop drinking altogether.
So far, I haven't touched alcohol in three weeks.
Dave on the other hand, misunderstood the agreement and died from dehydration after five days.
New Mr Man character created based on Maddie
My mate just phoned me and said, "I done 26 miles in 4 hours today, what do you think?"
I said, "I think you need a new car mate."
Never put Nutella on Salmon or you will get Salmonella
My son got his exam results this week, and I have to say, the future's bright for him.
He's going to have to get a job in the Orange mobile phone shop.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket with loads of confetti when I die.
That way, in the future, some archaeologist is going to have one awesome day at work.
A few of the most dangerous things on this planet:
- A black widow spider
- A great white shark
- A grizzly bear
- A slippery plastic A4 cover lying on the floor
I thought it'd be a great idea to buy my hamster some dumbbells, but it didn't work out.
I don't think I was listening when my mam told me how to use a cotton bud properly.
It went in one ear and out the other.
On a scale of 1-10, how good are you at answering questions?
My geography teacher is brilliant.
I wouldn't swap him for all the tea in Denmark.
Apparently the Flintstones had a very boring game called 'Rock'
Back then they haven't invented paper or scissors yet.
My wife accused me of over-complicating things...
I almost suffered a mechanical obstruction of the flow of air from the environment into the lungs...
I've always wanted to break an egg with one hand and I think I've finally cracked it.
My wife died last night after a long battle with Dementia.
Dementia is the name of my new Pitt bull.
Me and my wife were walking around the holiday camp when we noticed a little boy sitting down really upset.
My wife looked at me and said, "He might be lost, you have to do something."
"Me?" I said, "Like what?"
She said, "I don't know, but you can't just leave him sitting there crying on his own."
So I walked over, sat down, put arm around him and started crying too.
I was shocked when my mum told me my real dad was an escort.
How does she expect me to believe a car can make babies.
When I found my girlfriend in bed with another man I burnt my house down...
I regret it now as they were in her bed at her house.