I just walked into a pub on my lunch break and I saw a sign saying 'We do sandwiches for just 2.95 Ask Our Bar Staff!'
I thought to myself, "No it's okay, I believe you."
The missus swooped in & grabbed the tv remote declaring "Time for my soaps!"
"Aww love, I was looking forward to the wrestling!"
Anyway, we compromised, I held her in a head lock while Corrie was on.
I called my dog 'The Fury', just so I can unleash it.
I've just ran into a wind turbine.
Always nice to meet a fan.
When I was a young lad, me and my friends would play in the park, climb trees or make a camp in the woods.
But oh no, not these days.
They're all married with kids.
On my last holiday, I took a guided tour of a spring factory.
It was in the Dordogne.
I've been up all night interrogating an egg...
I think he's about to crack.
"Mum, I'm leaving home!" I burst out.
"That's fine darling" she said.
"Aren't you so supposed to try and convince me to stay?" I pleaded.
"No. I think it's the right thing to do"
"I don't believe this" I screamed. "You don't love me anymore"
"Of course I do" she replied, "But please stop calling me every 5 minutes with an update. You're 47 for Christ sake".
My wife always puts on a jolly face.
Which explains why she was fired as a makeup artist.
I sat on my phone and accidentally dialled my girlfriends number last night.
I must have been really wasted because we've got a rotary telephone at home.
I slowly took my seat in the doctors room.
He said "There's no easy way of saying this"
"Just say it" I said.
"I saw Susie sitting in a shoe shine shop.
Where she sits she shines, and where she shines she sits."
How am I meant to try a bit of snake charming if they won't even let me in the restaurant with it?
Sky News are currently running the headline "Shannon's 'Aunt' In 43k Benefit Fraud Rap". Seeing this sort of thing must fill poor Shannon Matthews' head with so many questions.
Mainly "Why do all my relatives' names come in quotes?"
My housemates always complain about the amount of washing up there is to do.
I don't know what they're on about. I just leave mine in the sink, and when I come down in the morning it's done
If you ever buy one of those knives off the shopping channel that can cut a tin can in half, don't test it out on a spray paint can. Been cleaning the kitchen for 6 months.
Well, the wife has.
Headline: Boy wrongly accused of stealing a bag of crisps wins 6,000 defamation case.
Must have been a bag of Walkers that he nicked
We were in the pub playing pool for cash and I asked my mate if he was in,
he said "no thanks, I bet I'm the only one here that doesn't gamble."
I grew up in London but went to school in Scotland.
I was tired when I got home on an evening.
My Sat Nav just told me to turn left.
Thats not right.
My granddad died of a heart attack at 78.
That was the door number of the local brothel.
The police banned journalists from the Joanna Yeates press conference?
So, who exactly were they talking to?
My boss asked me to pack up my desk and go.
I said, "Have you got a screwdriver?"
It is a fact that 80% of pictures on the internet are of naked women. Which makes adding my Mum on Facebook a lot more awkward...
My wife just had the cheek and the audacity to call me immature.
I can't believe I'm one of the most mature people I know
- Mike Oxlong
I saw a toadstool begging in the street today.
He had a sign next to him that read: 'Gnomeless, please help.'