What do you call a paedophile on a bike?
If the theory of evolution was really true, wouldn't you think by now Ethiopian children could catch flies with their tongues like lizards?
Hosepipe ban for households.
Watercannons likely to be used by police.
All welcome to join the protest on my front lawn.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes. Knees and toes.
For people with extreme dandruff problems.
My job is really stressful, every day I have to deal with murderers, terrorists and rapists.
I'm starting to regret ever opening a balaclava shop.
"Dad, the boys at school have been calling me Girlie Boy."
"Why you letting them get to you son....is it that time of the month again?"
A friend hooked me up with a blind date last night.
I was waiting outside the station, and decided to give the woman I was meeting a call.
"Hey, where are you?" I asked.
"Just coming out of the station now." she replied.
"Oh, you can probably see me, I'm wearing a blue T-shirt." I told her.
"I can see two men in blue T-shirts, which one are you?" she asked.
My heart sank a little, and my expectations dropped, as I replied with a sigh...
"I'm the one on the phone."
My maths teacher once asked, "See how many times you can take 7 away from 700?"
I must have done it nearly a hundred times...
and still got 693 as the answer.
My wife and kids couldn't sleep last night because of the constant sound of police sirens and helicopters.
At 3am this morning she screamed something but I couldn't quite make out what she was saying through all the noise.
An hour later I turned around and saw her standing in the doorway clutching the hands of our crying children.
I reluctantly pressed pause on my Xbox and said, "I'm on the last level, happy now?"
You know youre a geek when you look at a CD cover and think, "I have that font."
My wife approached me today and said, "I'm leaving you"
I replied, "Actually, you are approaching me"
I've just bought a pack of Brownies at auction for 500 - nearly half the guide price.
I just got a letter through the post.
Another 25 days and I'll have the whole alphabet.
I don't know how we managed without the internet.
In the days before Wikipedia, I had to go to the actual library to carefully cut pages out of the Britannica and replace them with ones full of glaring factual inaccuracies.
Earlier in the week, I saw a sign saying, 'Tiredness can kill'.
I'm finding it very hard, but I haven't yawned in 4 days.
Why do girls with lovely blonde hair dye their roots black?
My mate got arrested at a football game last week and called me to arrange for bail.
I asked him,''On what grounds did they arrest you?''
He answered,''Old Trafford.''
I've recently started work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day.
I don't know why I need a big truck, most of the time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card about.
I was at the gym this morning, and I spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat.
Tomorrow I might switch it on.
How do you make a vegetarian chilli?
Steal his coat.
I got home from work and there was a note on the kitchen table from my wife.
It read: 'Gone to see a Psychiatrist, your brussel sprouts on toast is in the washing machine.'
AOL News: Earthquake shakes England's south coast
Witness: "It felt as if a big lorry had gone by in a hurry, except we don't have lorries go through here."
How would he know then?
People say you shouldn't joke about 9/11 because of all the people who died.
Well, if any of the 3,000 affected want to complain they're welcome to.
I was performing stand up for everybody at the O2 in London yesterday, when the manager came over and said, "Excuse me sir, this is a phone shop, not a comedy club."
I got chucked out of the opera last night.
They don't like you joining in.