I've been laying on my front for the past 3 hours.
The article in the paper said 'turn over for more', but so far I've got nothing.

"Fight fire with fire"..
..is not the best excuse for petrol bombing the local school while it is testing its fire alarms. Trust me.

My friend told me you couldn't convey sarcasm on the internet. That wasn't obvious.

Either HMV have lost the plot, or the Saw 1-6 box set I want really is a perfect partner to Twilight New Moon.

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
...actually forget it, he doesn't exist.

I went on one of those internet chatrooms once, and I started talking with this teenage girl. We kept coming back to chat again and again, and I happened to mention it was my 17th birthday soon, so she suggested we meet up in real life for the first time. So I went along to meet her, but she ran away from me and called me a disgusting old pervert. Well she's right, I'm actually 68. But it's not my fault my birthday's the 29th of February.

My wife hates the fact that I like to put ketchup on everything.
Especially the toilet seat & door handles.

I saw Dappy from N-Dubz in town today. He was preaching about the apocalypse.
He said, "The end is na na nigh"

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was go and relieve my bladder.
The brave thing had been standing guard all night.

I went on a bender last night ......
Really need to stop sleeping with these futuristic robots!!

I hate sitting on planes whilst there taking off...
I'm suprised i've never really fallen off to be honest.

Me & the girlfriend are like chalk & cheese.
I'm usually found at the side of junior football pitches, while she tempts them into the car with Dairylea triangles.

Ever wonder why abbv. is such a lo-
oh, never mind...

I was just playing a game of online Pool.
When suddenly Michael Barrymore turned up and drowned me.

My friends got so annoyed with my constant describing of situations through bad jokes they threw ice-cream all over me and left.
They desserted me.

That's the 6th time this year my grandad has got drunk and crashed his mobility scooter.
He just doesn't know when to stop.

I wish I could see chameleons in their true colours.

Just off to London to buy an Oyster card.
Clammy's gonna love his surprise birthday party.

I'd love to meet a girl from Hindsight.
Apparently, everything's easy there.

Tonight's programme 'The history of strobe lighting' may contain flashing images...

I just fell through the back of the wardrobe into a strange land covered in yellow snow.
I thought to myself, "This must be Banarnia."

I just received a letter and on the front it read, "URGENT delivered by hand "
I thought, "wow that's a shock, I usually get my mail teleported on to my door matt."

I was walking down the high street when a dodgy looking bloke came up and asked me if I could exchange a fake looking 50 Euro note for 30 pound. Did he think I'm stupid?
The exchange rate is much better than that so I gave him 40 pound.

My blind mate says I have no idea of what it is to live with his condition and have been totally inconsiderate of it.
I can't believe he'd say that after the effort I put in learning sign language for him!

I no longer make excuses.
I just import them from China now.