I let my mates tyre down last night...
I was supposed to have a few beers with it after work.

Todays game of heads down thumbs up begins at the sound of my zipper.

The girlfriend told me things needed to "change dramatically" if our relationship was to last. You can only imagine how angry she was when I burst into the bedroom that night dressed as the Phantom of the Opera

I used to get terrorized by a ghost every night until one day I came home from a waterfowl themed fancy dress party
Turns out he wouldn't say boo to a goose

The doctor said my wife must lose some weight before going flying again.
Well either that, or get a bigger cape.

Yum, microwaved corned beef hash... instructions say "cook on full power for 7 mins... slightly agitate tray then cook for a further 4"... I can understand cooking it on full power but i dont see how me opening the microwave to shout obscenities at it helps the cooking process

Did you go see Sarcasm, the Movie?
No, we just hung round the cinema for two hours.

I've just smashed up my old Nintendo Entertainment System.
It broke into 8 bits.

I took a watch on the Antiques Roadshow this morning.
They said, "Where did you get it from?"
"It's my grandad's" I replied, "He gave it to me a little while ago."
"And you're selling it?" they asked.
I said, "Well, it depends on how much it's worth. If it's worth a fortune then I'll sell it. If not then I'll just get the strap fixed like he's asked me to."

The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!"
I said "Why....what happened two hours ago?"

I looked like a right plank earlier...
Doing my stomach exercises in the gym.

What happens when you throw a yellow rock into a purple stream?
It makes a splash.

And people said that I couldn't make an omelette without using my hands. Well, now who's got egg on their face?

When I left school I decided to got to catering college but I was always getting in to trouble.
My parents kept eating my homework.

Never get obsessed with awards, is what i said this morning to my children, emmy, brit and oscar.

I've just painted 5 coloured circles on the bonnet of my Mondeo.
Hopefully, I'll be able to use those new Olympic lanes now.

I just drank some water.
Sorry, that was rather tasteless.

My dog can talk.
Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing.

For the first time this year, the Paralympics will also have categories for people with psychological problems. I'm looking forward to the boxing matches.
"In the Blue corner, we have someone with clinical depression. And in the Red corner, a self-harmer."

I Just bought a new Hammer because I can never put those DIY kits together.
This time Im going to nail it.

'Gillette M3 Power Razor'....
'For best results, use with Gillette M3 Power blades and Gillete Mach3 Turbo Gel'...
So you've tested the Gillette razor with the Wilkinson range of accessories, have you?....just in case.

I've just had to explain to my girlfriend and her closest mate, my calling them 'thick as thieves' doesn't mean that they're stupid.
Instantly proving me wrong.

My first is in hill, but not in hole
My next is in pill, but not in pole
My next is in right, but not in wrong
my fourth is in sing, but not in song
My fifth is in open, but not in door
My sixth is in ceiling, but not in floor
My next is in poem, but not in prose
my next is in eyes, but not in nose
my nineth is in party, but not in drunk
My tenth is in priest, but not in monk
My eleventh is in slipper, but not in shoe
My twelth is in them, but not in you
My next is in loose, but not in tight
My next is in day, but not in night
What am I ?
ANSWER : Dyslexic

Sometimes when I post a joke I can't help but laugh.I know pretty well Royal Mail will never have it delivered in time.

My wife put my dinner in front of me. I looked at it, then picked it up, threw it at the wall and screamed, "I WOULDN'T FEED THAT TO A PIG!"
Terrified, and crying her eyes out, she said, "Err, ...why not?"
I said, "BECAUSE IT'S PORK AND THAT WOULD BE CANNIBALISM!
...now can I have another plate please, sweetheart?"