My old material never works with the ladies anymore, I'll have to try something new.
I was thinking cotton.

A sub has reached the world's deepest place.
I had no idea Fernando Torres was dating Katie Price!

I said to my wife, "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," She said.
"Thank you for your time." I replied.

Some old lady dropped her bag outside Tesco this morning. My wife looked at me and said, "Well, don't just stand there."
So I started doing star jumps.

I've just bought a guard dog and he's really good.
Not been able to get inside my house for the past 3 days though.

What idiot invented fire blankets?
You'd think fire was hot enough...

40,000 people in England have lost their homes in the last year.
How thick do you have to be to forget where you live?

With one half of the country on fire and the other half flooded, isn't there some way of folding Australia in half to cancel out both problems?

I woke up an hour too early this morning and went to work.
Completely missing the fact it's Sunday.

How does Batman's mum call him in for his dinner?
She doesn't. His parents' savage untimely death as a child is what ultimately leads him to become the Dark Knight.

My next door neighbour has a green triangular house.
My other next door neighbour has a yellow rectangular house.
And my neighbour across the road has an orange octagonal house...
I live in a Quality Street.

I've just bought myself a hyena.
Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

I'm not the jealous type.
I wish I was, though.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"It's the RSPCA, Mr Schrodinger. We would like to ask you a few questions."

I considered suicide until I found out it is actually illegal.
I don't want to go to jail.

Everyone noticed my new shoes in town today.
I knew it was a good idea to go out naked.

I drank some orange today, with a 'best before' date of the 1st of October and it was totally fine. Why don't they actually print something useful instead? ...
Like .. 'Best before toothpaste'

I had loads to drink last night, so before I went into work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath.
Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me leave the premises until I'd sobered up.
"How did you know I was drunk?" I asked
"You've still got a traffic cone on your head."

I held the door for a little old lady in the shop today.
We all laughed as she banged on the window shouting, "Let me in."

It's a well known fact. If you stand on the Great Wall of China...
You can actually see the moon.

A policeman knocked on my door last night.
He said, "A man was badly beaten up in the pub last night, he has a fractured cheekbone, a broken nose and 2 black eyes."
"Really?" I asked.
He said, "Yes, we think it was you."
I said, "Well it wasn't me, look at my face."

I was overjoyed when a letter from my Psychiatrist told me I no longer needed treatment.
"Thanks!" I said.
"No problem", it replied.

BBC News: "Men tell more lies than women"
No we don't.

My mate called me today and said, "I've just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?"
"I'm afraid not," I replied, "but I've got a sofa, if that's any good."
"Perfect," he said. "You're an absolute legend! I'll send her round in a bit."

I bought a book today called "Strange Coincidences".
When I got home I found that I already had a copy.
Weird.