My mate can't get an erection, partially due to smoking.
But mostly due to being female

I noticed that I constantly narrated my life in my head, when I thought "I noticed that I constantly narrated my life in my head..."

Just got back from my school reunion.
Which was a bit weird, since I was home schooled.

My mother always told me "stop while you're ahead"
maybe the reason why I have never won the 100m

407 dedicated, brave, heroic British service men and women have been killed in Afghanistan since the invasion in 2001.
On a separate note, the Americans have reported 406 bullets inexplicably missing from their armory.

Can anyone recommend me a good search engine? I would search a search engine for a good search engine but I don't know a good search engine.

I permanently removed the low resistance current protection from my electrical semi-aquatic fish-eating mammal.
That's an otter you can't refuse.

For most of my childhood, I looked up to my father.

I got a letter in the post today telling me how I got on in my recent IQ test.
The results were negative.

My mate told me he'd read a survey where they said the youth of today are influenced by and commits crimes because of video games
Yea we had non of that in our day I replied as I swung a big ball attached to a chain at a Hedgehog I'd painted blue.

My children were sadly killed in a crazy playground accident earlier this week.
However, I got to keep the rides which ended their lives.
Swings and roundabouts.

I went to the dentist today to have a tooth removed. Before he started he put on some headphones. I said, "What have you put them on for?"
He replied, "I bought some cheap anesthetic that should be strong enough, but I've put these on just to be on the safe side."

Was drinking with a mate when I said "I'm really in the mood for a game of poker".
"Snap", he replied.
"No, poker", I said.

Met the Queen the other day and on an impulse thought I'd try out one of my gags on her.
When I was done I asked, "Well, what do you think?"
She said, "Mmmmph hmmm!"
Then I was rugby tackled to the floor by her bodyguards.

I thought it would be safe at Asda on the 'travellater"
But when i got to the top, Shadow knocked me out with his pugal stick.

I'll never forget the time when my dad clipped me around the ear for being naughty.
I remember walking into school and all the kids were laughing at me saying, "Look at your hair."

Customer: "Can I have the fish and chips please?"
Waitress: "Would you like the normal one or the signature one?"
Customer: "who signs it?"

I've got a mate who claims he has a market stall selling clockwork toys. Don't know if I should believe him though, he can be a bit of a wind-up merchant.

A friend of mine got me a new car for my birthday; it wasn't the car I wanted, but he'd already paid for it.
It was a Fiat Accompli.

I felt awful when my wife was attacked the evening after I stole pepper-spray from her purse.
Then to top things off, she nearly choked to death on the spaghetti bolognese I made her.

As I sat watching the start of the football with my blonde girlfriend, she chirped-up, "Did you see that? I'm sure one of the Greek players wasn't singing the national anthem. That's disgusting."
"Well Greek must be a difficult language to learn," I said tongue-in-cheek, "they don't have the same words or letters we do."
"Haha, you're probably right," she giggled. "But why didn't he just sing it in English then?"

Premature greyness is hereditary.
You get it from your kids.

I bought my wife a self-cleaning fur coat today.
It was made out of cat-skin.

I've just been out and bought this years latest summer accesories...
Wellies and a rainmac

Why do chavs always seem to think that I'm there brother?