I've just settled something I've wondered for years.
After spending 6 hours in A&E I can safely confirm that Viennetta trays are not made of chocolate.

Women..cars..dont mix.
I'm a mechanic by trade, yesterday i had a lady come in asking if we sold extra long dip-sticks...(sticks that tell the oil level in an engine)
"Why is that?" i asked,
"Just because in my car at the moment, it isnt long enough to reach the oil"...

I couldn't think how to get rid of this indigestion.................then the rennie dropped.

So bored. Tempted to turn myself in for murder I didnt commit, then plead not guilty

"I'm sorry Sir, but we can't allow you on the ice rink with those skates on your feet", said the manager. I personally think he was just a bit jealous ..
They'd cost me a fortune from the fishmongers.

I accidently mixed my drinks last night.
Now my decks are ruined.

I've just read somewhere that the most dangerous thing in the kitchen is the chip pan.
The most dangerous thing in my kitchen is me without a sandwich!

I think my local Butcher has caught onto the fact that I've been sleeping with his wife, since he's been giving me disgusting looks and completely ignoring me lately. Today, I went in and asked for a prime cut of beef, and asked how his day was going.
He gave me a cold shoulder.

Everyone comments that I wear odd socks every single day.
But honestly try them, pitta breads are just so warm and comfy.

My Dad once said to me "It's the things you love which make you what you are"
I guess that makes me a big breasted blonde girl I replied.

I hate people who doesn't know the difference between your and you're..
Their so stupid.

I poached an egg this morning.
I shot it with my air rifle.

I've started my new job as a bus driver and I can't help but notice how friendly the public are.
When I drive past them at the station they always wave at me.

Studies have show that when questioned, 100% of pet hamsters had seen a giant.

I used to love it when my Grandad let me ride on his handle bar. I'd scream as I held on tight.
It wasn't the same when he shaved it off.

The wife just said "there's a Christmas sale on boats, shall we get one?"
"We could do" I said, "but it's going to look a bit daft at any other time of year."

The wife's booking me an appointment with a therapist, to calm my subversive nature.
If she manages to find where I've hidden her phone, laptop, car keys, yellow pages and shoes of course.

I got sent to prison for stabbing my wife 324 times.
I only meant to stab her once but I couldn't turn the electric carving knife off.

My mate just asked, "How would you kill Spiderman?"
I said, "With a giant shoe."

Yesterday a Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000. Meanwhile, my dr's note saying I have a mild case of shingles just sits on e-Bay.

I'm more confused than a Welsh postman.

My wife was furious that I caught her swimming naked last night.
Apparently I shouldn't use my fishing net in the pool.

I'v just had a can of E150, Sweetners (Aspartame, Acesulfame K), Phoshoric Acid, Flavourings (Including caffeine), Preservative (Sodium Benzoate) Citric Acid containing a source of Phenylalanine....
Or Pepsi as some people call it.

What do you call a woman who lives in a grid?
Ingrid.

Jokes about pencils aren't very funny.
You have 2B there.